Have you ever believed the storm was over only to find yourself in the eye of a hurricane? Yesterday I hit the eye wall. My storm is far from over. While I thought I was doing the right thing, now I am not so sure. “Childlike trust” keeps popping into my mind. My devotions this morning included these words by Blackaby:
God’s ways and thoughts are often so different from yours and mine they will often sound wrong or impossible. You need a readiness to believe God and trust Him completely. You must believe that what He is doing is best for you. Don’t try to second-guess Him. Let Him be God.
The issue is related to my recent need to take medical leave for clinical depression. Without giving details, even the ‘good guys’ (i.e. my friends in the psychology field) are telling me I should use my cerebral palsy instead of admitting to having clinical depression. “They will turn the depression around to hurt you. Just say you were having problems related to C.P.. They can’t dispute that.”
But the cerebral palsy wasn’t/isn’t the issue; it is clinical depression.
Yes, it would be easier using C.P.. Yes, I could even get a medical note stating how C.P. is slowing me down as I approach 40 (which is true). But what about all the people who suffer from clinical depression who do not have a visible disability to fall back on (no pun intended)?
I am amazed at the ignorance and stigmas I am facing by professionals who went to grad school to study psychology. I am appalled at the statements made by professionals who devoted their career to helping people with disabilities.
As Deanna (who is not in the mental health field) said yesterday, “This is unreal… it’s unbelievable!” when I vented in her office regarding a discussion I had with the higher ups.
I need to divert this passionate anger into productive means. Let me just say to those who experience deep clinical depression: you are not crazy. It is very real as you feel in your bones and experience the moment you open your eyes in the morning. Take it from a licensed mental health counselor AND certified rehabilitation counselor who has been on antidepressants since 1993, depression hurts… it cripples more than some physical disabilities.
Maybe my platform is to bring awareness to clinical depression. I don’t know why I am experiencing this, but I DO know my Father is using the experience for my good and the good of His Kingdom. (Eph. 3:20-21)