My circumstances have taken a turn for the worst… worse than they were 3 months ago. I am trying so hard to keep my faith, to keep remembering the multiple times God has rescued me when things appeared hopeless. I am trying to fulfill the promise I made to never doubt Him again. I am trying to follow His will, to do the right thing. I am back to living one hour at a time… just make it one more hour, then you can go back to bed, hide under the blankets, and cry yourself to sleep.
I have nothing left to fight with. I am spent. Yesterday, I didn’t go to my committed appointments except for one, which I tried to get out of but couldn’t. Twyla has long days on Wednesdays as she goes to Gainesville for class, so I go hang out with her dog, Dani. I had taken a few Xanax and was feeling loopy after a heated, emotional morning and knew deep down, I shouldn’t get behind the wheel. But then I thought I can’t let Twyla down, I do love spending time with Dani, and if I wreck and hit a tree, oh well. (Don’t lecture me, I know this wasn’t good judgment, as I was under the influence of Xanax.)
So I went and Twyla had left me a card saying she knows I feel like I take more than I give, but that isn’t true… I do give and people need me. I needed to read that. Then I received an email, asking me to come back to Bible study because I am missed and people need me… Reinforcement. Then, as I typed this, I received another email saying I am needed.
But how can someone who has nothing to give be needed? This verse was part of my quiet time this morning:
Luke 22:35 Then Jesus asked them, "When I sent you without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?" "Nothing," they answered.
I need to process this today. Maybe I am left with only my Spiritual resources because I am to stop focusing on everything outside of my Spiritual resources.