Thursday, October 2, 2008

Trying Times

My circumstances have taken a turn for the worst… worse than they were 3 months ago. I am trying so hard to keep my faith, to keep remembering the multiple times God has rescued me when things appeared hopeless. I am trying to fulfill the promise I made to never doubt Him again. I am trying to follow His will, to do the right thing. I am back to living one hour at a time… just make it one more hour, then you can go back to bed, hide under the blankets, and cry yourself to sleep.

I have nothing left to fight with. I am spent. Yesterday, I didn’t go to my committed appointments except for one, which I tried to get out of but couldn’t. Twyla has long days on Wednesdays as she goes to Gainesville for class, so I go hang out with her dog, Dani. I had taken a few Xanax and was feeling loopy after a heated, emotional morning and knew deep down, I shouldn’t get behind the wheel. But then I thought I can’t let Twyla down, I do love spending time with Dani, and if I wreck and hit a tree, oh well. (Don’t lecture me, I know this wasn’t good judgment, as I was under the influence of Xanax.)

So I went and Twyla had left me a card saying she knows I feel like I take more than I give, but that isn’t true… I do give and people need me. I needed to read that. Then I received an email, asking me to come back to Bible study because I am missed and people need me… Reinforcement. Then, as I typed this, I received another email saying I am needed.

But how can someone who has nothing to give be needed? This verse was part of my quiet time this morning:
Luke 22:35 Then Jesus asked them, "When I sent you without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?" "Nothing," they answered.

I need to process this today. Maybe I am left with only my Spiritual resources because I am to stop focusing on everything outside of my Spiritual resources.

1 comment:

wayfarerjon said...

This touched me deeply. And your last sentence!! You have given! But perhaps this is now a time for you to receive. I don't say this lightly, but when we are spent and have nothing left, we can but yield to Him and discover that we are needed for who we are, even though we have nothing to give but ourselves.