Saturday, January 24, 2009
Recently, I discovered a former love had moved… well, I found him, I called him. Enough said. (no lecture, Rob!)
If not for the familiarity of my handwritten journal entries, I would never believe that was my life. It is no exaggeration to say I shouldn’t be alive today. God used a wedding, Pastor Vernon’s words on the sanctity of marriage, to change my heart.
The relationship reminds me of an old pair of pants… Think of a favorite pair of jeans you had in high school. . . how you felt when you wore them, how all your friends admired you in them, how comfortable they felt, how perfect they were. But now, while you still love them, they are too small, worn, out-of-style, no longer fits in with who you are.
Relationships are like that. We can look back with love and fondness, remembering how ‘special’ and prominent they were at the time. Yet too much has changed… no matter how much you want them to fit, you’ve grown too much. You’re not the same.
I haven’t had a romance since the man I journalled about… the ‘mate’ part of my life remains vacant. Yet when I look at my life today, the warmness and love I feel at Northland, the intimacy I feel with Jesus, the peace I have knowing God is in control, and the friends who remain by my side… I know he would never fit in my life today.
I wish he would. I wish I could live both lives, but I’ve matured, and can no longer be ‘lukewarm’ regarding my faith. So like the favorite old pair of jeans, I am not ready to get rid of them completely. They were an integral part of my life. Every now and then, I will bring them out, remembering what life was like in former years. But I won’t try to wear them again… just like my former love, I’ve found ‘a better fit’.