Saturday, March 14, 2009
Depression is Back
She knew as soon as I said ‘hello’. Despite my attempts to reassure her, my mom was disappointed to say the least. “Mom, this one won’t last long… I promise. This depression won’t last for years…it’s only temporarily, really.” She sounded like a whining child, “but you were doing so good!”
She didn’t ask what started it because she has learned there is no exact cause. She didn’t ask if I had been in bed all week and was taking medication to escape. She knew the answers. She has been through this so many times before.
I know I let her down, yet I also know this is out of my control. I’m sorry for her, for my friends who don’t know what to do, and for the friends who never witnessed this before.
My thinking changes, I become existential, questioning life and my role in it. I get these irrational thoughts when people tell me to move to my parents, who tell me to move to Mark’s, who tell me I need to stay with Northland… DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL? If I am so much trouble, I have a simple solution. I am not afraid to die. But it’s not my time. God wants me to impact more lives… I just hope I am almost done with God’s to-do list for me.