Spent much of the day reading journal from last year. I wanted to die much of 2008, wrote things like ‘I hope I finally see Jesus and Seminole in 2009’ and “much sicker… and miserable… want someone to care. Despite what I say, I want someone there…”
Fortunately, my perspective has greatly improved. I’m not paralyzed by depression, I can wait for God to call me home… I know when it’s time, he will take me.
I’ve learned I was blaming others for things that were actually in my power to control. Telling my secrets to people, inappropriately… secrets aren’t as bad as I believed. I thought if I had to hide something from my closest friends, I was a. a deceitful friend and b. doing something I shouldn’t be doing if I had to hide.
Now I realize I am in control of what I share. I kind of like having parts of my life to myself. Maybe it means I no longer feel the need for others validation. Funny, I seem to feel more validated when I hide who I am..
Maybe in a perfect world, I can share whom I am dating or my latest coping strategy that keeps the depression away. But this isn’t that perfect world. My relatives buy me a gravesite and say they wish I was never born, I fall down now and have trouble getting back up, and I have several other issues weighing on my heart.
But it’s okay. It’s my life. I can handle it. There’s no telling how resilient I can be.