Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Four Less People

In pointing to Jesus as being a strong leader, partially because of His vulnerability, Phillip Yancey writes:
He did not hide his fears or hesitate to ask for help: ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death... Jesus quickly established intimacy with the people he met.... he cut instantly to the heart of the matter, and soon these people revealed to Jesus their innermost secrets...

During the holidays, my depression worsened as expected. I reached out to a few ‘friends’ who had stated they would always be there for me. People who I trusted with my innermost feelings. People who knew the true me. After sharing my severe panic attacks, needing Xanax, one of those people went behind my back seemingly trying to organize an intervention for me. She contacted my friends on Facebook, revealing information I had only shared with close ‘friends’. Since she did this not once, not twice, but four times, I finally told her I no longer could be her friend.

Another heartbreaking incident was from a man who God used to change my life in a positive way a few years ago. He had strengthened and encouraged me when my brother and best friend walked away during a 2008 depressive state. He was a rock in my life. Though he now denies it, right before Christmas, he told me (with 3 witnesses, all of which said they were shocked he said this, but now 1 - his coworker- is changing his story) people can only take so much... he said with me only sharing the ‘bad’, people are going to walk away. I asked if that meant he was walking away like my brother and my former best friend... he said yes.

Over the holidays, 4 key people were knocked out of my life. It’s like when a spouse cheats on you, no matter how/if they apologize, that bond has been severed. The relationships are beyond repair.

I’ve been telling myself it was my fault for confiding in people. For sharing too much. But Jesus shared His feelings. Jesus was real and transparent and emotional. He said things that made people uncomfortable. He said things that made people want to kill him. Yes, his life would have been much easier if he kept his mouth shut. But He put God’s will before the opinions of others. In the end, it was just Jesus and His Father... I want to be just like Jesus.

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