January 25 – Monday
Physician, Heal Thyself describes recent weeks explaining my lack of writing. Instead of denying my depression or trying to mask it with another unhealthy behavior, I’ve been living through the storm. This is unusual for me as I tend to sleep through the darkness or seek comfort (temporarily) in others – techniques which may provide instant relief, yet the denial impedes change. The cycle continues the next day.
So the new year has brought changes… including being a my own counselor. I’ve been in an isolative yet safe environment where I can focus on getting better instead of being distracted by well-intending persons trying to fix me. Or even worse, sharing a glimpse of my pain only to have the recipient look at me blankly as he rushed out the door.
It’s too much for people. But it’s not too much for God. And so I stay in bed an average of 18 hours per day, wading through murky waters, noting breakthroughs and revelations in the journal next to my pillow. Noise bothers me, as does light, so I cover my head and listen to beach waves on my iPod. Television no longer provides an escape. Somehow, as my physical activity decreases, my cognitive behavior increases.
Daily hygiene takes 80% of my energy so I lay back down after showering and brushing my teeth. A few hours later, I read psychology textbooks and prepare for renewing my counseling licensure next month. I regularly search for freelance writing jobs, and continually work on revamping my websites. My Bible is never out of arms reach as I feel God’s presence and hear His voice throughout the day.
I know it’s depression as I no longer am interested in Judge Pirro (former role model), friends at church, Starbucks coffee, Days of our Lives. In fact, the only things I maintain an inkling of interest in are my cats, moving to Tallahassee and getting a companion dog.
These 3 things are desires of my heart, thus surely a big part of my future.
Finally, I am paying attention to working through depression – this time as a clinician as well as a client. When this storm is over. I’ll use the insight to help others through writing and research. Until then, I’m asking God to work through me to heal myself.
Physician, Heal Thyself - Meaning
Attend to one's own faults, in preference to pointing out the faults of others.
The phrase alludes to the readiness and ability of physicians to heal sickness in others while sometimes not being able or willing to heal themselves. This suggests something of 'the cobbler always wears the worst shoes', i.e. cobblers are too poor and busy to attend to their own footwear. It also suggests that physicians, while often being able to help the sick, cannot always do so and, when sick themselves, are no better placed than anyone else.