Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Uplifting Benchmark

Just before midnight last night, depression significantly lifted. Weird. Woke up feeling ‘lighter’ with a reservoir of energy. While I am interested in knowing what happened, (did all my neurochemicals agree to play nicely?), I’m determined to maximize this freedom while I can. Later, maybe hindsight will provide rhyme or reason to the drastic change.

One thing I have been studying is neuroplasticity- the ability of the brain to be shaped by experiences, including later in life. Kids who have severe trauma (i.e. abuse, loss) often are literally molded by changes in their brain at that time in life. Fascinating. Anyway, I’ve been repeating thoughts/affirmations for weeks in attempt to change false thoughts. For example, I always feel deeply indebted to people who spend quality time listening to me without checking their watch. I tend to seek out those who have little time to give me only to be rejected due to their busy schedules. My parents were always too busy to listen to me, so in a weird way, I unknowingly seek out the same ‘busy’ people only to feel insignificant. This also explains why I have dated unavailable men. Think about it- God has always blessed me with a surplus of friendships, yet I ‘shell’ myself from them all, desperately seeking friendships from people like Judge Pirro or a mega-church pastor. I set myself up for failure, telling God, “See? I tried to be social… but they don’t have time for me…” Meanwhile, my inbox and voicemail are full with various offers to socialize.

Speaking of socializing, I need to finish my BSF homework before class this morning. I know my mood can change on a whim though and wanted to document this benchmark.

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