I considered going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting last night at my church, and even had a generous friend offer to go with me. But within an hour of agreeing to meet her, I gradually became increasingly ill with psychosomatic symptoms. My Crohn’s kicked in and, basically, I was curled up in a ball for the rest of the afternoon. I must’ve lost 5 pounds in one day, I was so sick!
Why? I have already admitted publicly that I am addicted to Xanax. I write about it and share the dirty details with anyone who will listen. What is the big deal about going to a group of fellow addicts?
In my ball, I worked on my 12-step workbook, and talked to Jesus, apologizing, “I guess I’m not ready to go through with this…” But I am ready! In fact, I want it to be over. I realized the reason I got so physically ill was because I don’t want to sit around with a group of people, focusing on being addicted to a stupid pill. My identity is not ‘a Xanax addict’, there is so much more to me than that.
I remember back in 1993, when I was discharged from Tallahassee Psychiatric Center after having suicidal ideations. I had met some great people in the hospital… people who liked me in spite of all the ugly secrets that came out in our groups. We helped each other go through some tough stuff! But once I was discharged, I couldn’t be around them anymore. It wasn’t healthy for us to call each other, and discuss ways to commit suicide or how depressing life was. We had to move on. I still think about them and pray they are alright… one lady went to the State hospital to have her brain shocked… I never heard anymore from her… anyway, point being, we cared about each other, but caring so much meant we had to distance ourselves in order to heal.
Last night, I received an email saying the Celebrate Recovery groups are closed, but they would be starting new ones soon. I couldn’t have participated anyway.
But I realized, despite what the enemy says, I am ready to break this addiction because I did not take any Xanax to escape yesterday (as I normally take them to avoid painful situations). That is a huge accomplishment! And for that, I am celebrating my recovery.