It is taking every ounce of my will to write this as I am crashing again. This depression episode is situational, meaning I know why it is happening as I have suffered a significant loss. Readers know I am estranged from my family and, for various reasons, have a minimal number of ‘friends’ in my life. This is one of the ramifications of clinical depression; either people are repelled by the depressant’s inconsistency, or they are unable to live up to the unattainable expectations of the one who is crashing.
So I have crawled out of bed, determined to keep working through my episodes instead of wallowing in self-pity as the latter will be of no assistance to me. Instead, I push past my vulnerability and share in detail what the realities of depressions are from the eyes of a therapist, as well as one who is depressed.
The prominent feature of clinical depression is hopelessness, believing nothing will change. With loss of interest, increased lethargy, anhedonia and assuming no one understands, the loss of hope leads to thoughts such as ‘nothing is going to change’ and ‘I’m destined to this life of doom’. See how the negativity cyclones?
In effort to avoid drowning in self-pity, I called a friend, who convinced me to bring Jireh (my beloved golden retriever) for a visit, stating it’ll be good for her to get out. Jireh loves him anyway so I dragged myself out, for Jireh.
Two hours later, Jireh is sleeping happily after visiting her friend. I am pleased about that, as well as for generating this blog entry. But the depression continues, and I believe it will for awhile. This latest blow is a big one.
A final thought: people can say they will be your friend forever, or they will always be there for you… don’t believe it. No one can make a promise like that. Circumstances change, people move on, life happens. It sucks. And what sucks even more is it impacts all of your other relationships when you lose one. My friend today assured me he isn’t going anywhere. I no longer believe him.