Usually, when I don’t blog daily, that means my depression is active. This time, I haven’t blogged because God has been blessing me abundantly and I can’t take it all in. I don’t get the chance to process His miraculous gift to me before he sends another. I’m talking about things such as finding an envelope with $100 in my purse, sending a BSF leader who ‘is the real deal’ (rather than merely talking the talk), receiving an order for 100 handmade Christmas cards for someone to send the troops in Iraq (that’s $300!), feeling comfortable in my BSF group where I am making new friends… the list goes on and on – and these things happened within 28 hours of each other!
Overcome with gratefulness, I prayed earnestly for God’s forgiveness in not trusting him to provide and admitted my shame at trying to manage my life without him, which led to too much sleeping and escaping. I vowed I would change my ways and not allow anything to come between us again.
That lasted a day. I am writing this at 3am after being awake for 2 hours, fighting shame and disgust because I fell back into my old pattern. I didn’t even keep my vow for 24 hours. Satan had a party with my mind, telling me I will never change and I will never be the obedient Christian I want to be.
Satan is the father of lies. Yet, what he was telling me is true- I will never change because I will always need Jesus. I am sinful and selfish, and that will not change. However, my reliance on God, along with obedience, can change. His Spirit can fill me with Him when I confess my sin, clearing my heart for His love.
Yes, we can (and must) lay strongholds of sin at the throne… but it’s not a one-time deal. We must continually return the sin, not on our own, but with the power of the Holy Spirit. Giving in to shame and guilt is exactly what the enemy wants. He would love to see us give up. Well, I’m not giving up this time… I am giving control of my life to Jesus, and realize I will have to continually do so. That’s okay, though. It’ll keep me where I most long to be… at His feet.