Twenty-four hours ago, I needed to be hospitalized. I was having suicidal thoughts, begging God to take me. I was in bad, bad shape. The past week, I had been more social than I have been in years, meeting new friends, regularly talking with Jennifer and Rob… yet no one had any idea how the depression was consuming me. I don’t like to complain, I don’t like to be needy, so no one knew. Jennifer took Jireh for a few nights (Jireh has puppy sleepovers at Jen’s on a weekly basis) which allowed me to sleep and escape. Saturday, sleeping no longer provided the usual relief and regeneration. I texted Jen, asking if she’d keep Jireh one more night as I “wasn’t doing well”. That’s all, no details.
Sunday morning, I knew I needed help. I knew I couldn’t be alone. I seriously wanted to die. This time, I didn’t give in. I reached out to Jennifer and Rob. I was open and honest and vulnerable. Rob has church on Sunday mornings, so I messaged him things like, “I’m having bad thoughts… Googling ways to die… did you know it takes SIX WEEKS to starve to death?...” and finally, “there’s an 98% chance of death if you jump in front of a train…” Serious, serious stuff! And considering I’ve attempted suicide in the past, Rob and Jennifer know I don’t play games. I don’t cry wolf. Rob told me to hang on until he finished with church and then he’d talk me through this. I promised I would.
Meanwhile, Jennifer and Ron brought Jireh home. Ron stayed in the car while Jen came in. I told her I needed to go to a hospital that wouldn’t pump me with drugs, and I couldn’t face the holidays. I told her I wanted to die. I told her Jireh deserved a mom who didn’t lay in bed all day. I told her I am a loser… a hopeless loser. Again, SERIOUS stuff! Imagine what poor Jen was going through! Her eyes teared up. She said she doesn’t know what to do except to love me and feed me and pray for me. She asked me what she could do. Don’t leave me alone…
So I changed clothes as Jen went to tell Ron I was suicidal and needed to get out. I ran errands with them until Rob was able to talk with me. No one understands my depression like Rob. He talked me through it. He made it okay. He changed my perspective.
Jireh and I spent the rest of the day at Jen’s, where I was made my favorite dinner, my laundry was done, and I was loved. Loved like I imagine a normal family loves. I got phone calls and emails from new friends from church and BSF ‘just checking on me’ when I KNOW those were signs from God to keep going, don’t give up… don’t let this be my lot in life…
As I write this, I feel renewed. I feel hopeful, determined, relieved, blessed, loved. Yes, I have to face my first holiday season without my family, without my old church… but it is a NEW season. As God blessed Job for his perseverance, God will do the same for me.
Last thing… I told Jennifer I feel like God is a lot like my parents, refusing to let me come home… now I realize, it’s like going to college. You get homesick, but you have to ‘be away from home’ to be who God wants you to be. That is why I am still in this world. It’s not that God doesn’t want me home with Him, he wants me to stay in this world to grow into who He created me to be. He will take me home on HIS time, not mine.