Saturday, December 10, 2011


Jen & Me 

A little over two weeks until Christmas…allowing myself to really process this sends me into a dark place, so this morning, I told Jen I didn’t want to be alone. Her poor husband must tire of my depression episodes. This morning, I went to Jen’s at 8 and spent all day with them. Seriously, her husband is very good at handling my depression. In March, I was SO hopeless and depressed, I attempted suicide by taking more than 60 prescription pills. I’ll never forget the number because I had to tell the intake specialist, 2 doctors, a nurse, and an EMT what I had done and every single one of them thought I said 16. When I clarified SIXTY, they were all in disbelief. I don’t remember much about that night, but I remember my frustration at being asked why I attempted suicide… AS IF I COULD TELL THEM IN ONE OR TWO SENTENCES! The pills didn’t really hurt me, except I have little memory of that night and from Jen’s description, I was pretty comical. Seems I kept asking for Dr. Drew (from TV) at the hospital. Oh, and I kept asking for a Smirnoff Ice on the way to the hospital. But I digress.

Back to Jen’s husband…the three of us have these intellectual discussions (all FSU grads!) and we were discussing a girl in the news who was suspected to have been drugged. News came out that she had attempted suicide before so perhaps she attempted again. I was angry at that and said, “So if anyone wants to kill me, just drug my drink and the police will assume it was suicide… you’ll never be investigated!” Jen’s husband replied, “Yeah, but it’d take over 200 pills to have any effect on you!” I cracked up laughing! That was one of the funniest comments I have ever heard! So Ron is definitely becoming a pro with my depression.

Since I actually had fun when Jen took me to the hospital (but I don’t want to go through that again), I’ll pretty much do anything with her now. Her nephew was in a symphony orchestra concert so I went. They played Christmas music (so proud of myself for going!), including “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing”.

God and sinners reconciled. God and sinners reconciled.  I kept repeating that line. God and sinners reconciled. A light went off in my head. THE Light went off in my head. Jesus was born so that we could be reconciled with God. Wow. There is nothing worth more celebration than that! Embracing Christmas is no longer challenging for me… I will likely be alone on Christmas Day. I won’t get any presents (my parents overindulged me on Christmas and paid for my gifts for months after… I’ll miss that.), and my Christmas dinner will likely be buttered bread. Yet, it’ll be fine. I’m a sinner, yet I’ve been reconciled with God because Jesus was born! Hark, the herald angels sing!

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