Sunday, December 4, 2011

Learning During the Storm

I’m ready to be a writer again. My Macbook is on its last leg, so I need it to hang in there until I can get a new Mac. Before I had to quit working, I was always on my iPhone and Macbook concurrently. My favorite past-time was sitting with 4 other Mac lovers while we each did our own thing on our laptops. I think that is why I stopped writing, no longer having an adequately functioning laptop (screen goes out) and dropping my iPhone in water. I miss those two things increasingly more in correlation with the lessening of my depression. Those things led to my productivity. I need to get a writing gig to replace them (among other things).

The new year starts in 4 weeks THANK GOODNESS! What a PERFECT reward for surviving the holidays… a brand new start!

This past weekend was rough… I started my self-injurious behavior as another unhealthy way of escaping. Details not needed, I just realized it would take a lot of counseling for me to start dating again! My professors use to say mental illness was like an onion in that you keep peeling back layers only to find new issues to be worked through. To say it frustrates me would be an understatement. There is so much crap that has built up, it’s hard to know where to start!

But I know I am moving in the right direction, thanks to God putting Rob and Jen in my life. I know I talk about them frequently, but it’s because they both handle my depression so well. They know not to push me or try to ‘fix’ me… it’s the perfect balance and I honestly believe it is due to trust and communication. I promised them I would call them before I did anything to hurt myself and therefore, they allow me to be the introverted, loner I am. I love that about them. Yet when they DO make suggestions, which is very rare, I usually follow their direction.

For instance, I stayed at Jen’s last night and was upset (surprise, surprise) by someone wanting me to reconnect with a bad part of my past. Jen took me to dinner, then rented one of my favorite movies and told me to put my iPad away! (Facebook upsets me, as does news about Jerry Sandusky). Mutual respect, honesty, and humility are paramount when dealing with depression. As the one who is depressed here, it is nice having someone who has my best interest at heart to keep me balanced.

I can tell this is making me stronger. As I experience the depression and pain, I’m learning some valuable life lessons.

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