Friday, December 16, 2011

Pity Party

This is such a treat! My laptop is actually working! So much easier to write on my laptop as opposed to my iPad. And it so happens that Jireh is at a puppy play date so I’m praying this is productive day writing. I need it. Yesterday I started cycling into a situational depression, meaning I know the source of the depression, I’m ashamed of what I did and fear the consequences.

My gas tank was empty, kitchen had no food, and I was/am apprehensive about Christmas. I am also about out of medication, which is close to $80 month, I have no working TV and the one thing keeping me sane is Internet. God bless Jen & Ron, they brought me groceries, put gas in my car, have invited me to multiple events to keep my mind off Christmas, and said not to worry about my medication, they won’t let me go without it… they amaze me with their kindness and leave me speechless!

Others have been helping me too, including Susie and Stacie. I only receive approximately $1150 per month and my rent is $600. I’m still catching up on moving expenses from August.  I hate living this way and I daily ask God, “How am I glorifying you if I’m the community charity case?”  I don’t sit at the throne long enough to wait for his answer because I don’t think I’ll like his response.

So out of frustration, when my wifi was cut off, I called in a payment, and now (after bank fees) my checking account is negative $160. What a way to start the New Year! I felt awful after I did it and still do. All of these people are helping me and I was a bad steward. I want to be mad at God, but He reminds me where I was LAST year and how He has blessed me, so I end up praising Him.

My life has so drastically changed – not having the newest MAC product (haven’t had an iPhone in a year), not having a consistently functioning Macbook  (I’m a writer!!), and, as silly as it sounds, not having Starbucks several times per week. I don’t even have living room furniture to sit on.

And this shows me how selfish and ungrateful I am. And I hate who I am. And I don’t deserve any more help. I told Jen what I had done and she was disappointed yet assured me she still loved me. Still, the shame remains.

The only way I can redeem myself is to send query letters to publisher in hopes of earning money through my writing. I sent one yesterday and within five minutes, received a response “we are not accepting unsolicited queries at this time.” My plan is to send a minimum of five per day. I HAVE GOT to get back on my feet. I don’t believe I deserve anyone else’s help.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Enthusiatically cheering you on. Believing in your gifts. Praying faithfully and trusting in Him.