Saturday, December 31, 2011

This is ANXIETY!

I am reminded I have a mental illness as I become terrified on the next street over. Walking Jireh, the people, noises, stimulation… all too much. I literally stop in my tracks to catch my breath, slow my heartbeat, and wipe the sweat profusely pouring from my skin. Anxiety attack. I know it, recognize the too familiar symptoms, still the world is spinning as if I am on a rapid carousel. I need help but am unable to speak. A car goes by and the passenger blows a party favor at me. This is it. This is where I go crazy and end up back in the hospital. I become dizzy, light headed. Jireh pulls me out of my trance. “Put one foot in front of the other… focus on one step at a time.”

Home. Thank God I made it safely home. There will be fireworks tonight, which will cause Jireh to bark, which will scare me more. The day is over for me. I will spend the next 16 hours in bed, head covered.

Life is hard. This new year, I am going to take better care of myself. I’m going to be productive when I am feeling good instead of forcing myself to socialize. My friends will just have to understand. Finding a job is my top priority. How will I work with anxiety and depression? By putting one foot in front of the other.

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