Sunday, January 22, 2012

Church and God's House

I’ve spent the last 3 Sundays having severe panic attacks and now I know why. I love the church I go to and I am afraid I will lose it like I lost the last one. I have so many walls protecting my heart that I am afraid to take risks and be vulnerable. I want to do everything myself, having the attitude, “If God wants me to have medication, He will provide a job for me to pay for meds...”

I met with an Elder and Deacon (sounds like a joke… an Elder and Deacon went into a bar…) and started by telling rhem I didn’t want help. Without disclosing the details of our discussions, I went from crying, self-pity and bitterness to laughing, excitement and feeling Jesus’ love within an hour. The Spirit spoke to me through those men. I am being selfish. What if Jesus went to the cross without interacting with anybody, saying, “Nope, I am doing this myself (which He could have) and I am not having relationships with anyone! Too risky!”?

God created us for relationships. He pointed that out in the beginning of Genesis. There is no getting around that. A neat thing was during the meeting, we had discussed me wanting to help out in the Sunday School class for kids with disabilities (I would LOVE that!). On the way out, we passed a lady and the Elder told her I was interested in helping with that class. She said, “We (with the teacher) just prayed God would send someone special to help with that class! We JUST prayed that!” 

Here I am, Lord…. Send me.

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