What about credit for surviving the day despite my desire to end it all? Some days, that is all I can do. And you know what? Some days, that is MONUMENTAL! I've been doing good, especially through the holidays. I sometimes wish critics could trade places for me to see how they do in my situation. The first non-holiday day, I am passively accused of not doing my part in this situation because I failed to look for a job. "Read your blog. Even YOU said you have to do your part!" I responded, "Considering I was contemplating suicide the day before and I survived the day, I think I did pretty good!" Still, I know s/he doesn't think I am doing my part, and if I gave in to believing everyone felt that way, I'd say a few cuss words, along with "Okay, I'll show you what 'not doing my part' looks like!" and I'd stop fighting every freaking hour to survive. I'd give in to my desire to be in heaven NOW. I'd quit this foolish game.
Those who think I am bluffing only need to speak to my closest friends to know how serious my depression gets. I truly had this discussion with someone I trust completely, and who trusts me to call if I ever am about to act on my suicidal thoughts. I told him I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I have no energy. I know God won’t let me overdose… and standing in front of a train is too scary for me (loud noises make me panic). How about ant poison? The stuff to shock a swimming pool? One by one, he patiently listed the practical reasons for not attempting suicide. He got me through another ‘crash’, letting me have a restful sleep. The next morning, I had hope the day would be different.
More bad news… I owe the IRS for an overpayment, and my court date for the $120 ticket I got in August is in 2 weeks. Want to know the crime I committed? Not changing the address on my license within 10 days. $120! I’m fighting it. So I made it through the day feeling a bit better than the night before… no suicidal thoughts. I go back to thinking if I take my own life, that would be like Jesus’ death on a cross for me was for nothing. I know this is not my life to take… it is God’s. I’m thankful for friends who talk me out of suicide in a non judgemental, practical manner. It means so much to be taken seriously during those times. I once had a ‘friend’ tell me to go ahead and kill myself. I talk about it so much, I should just do it. Luckily, someone else was there to talk some sense into me.
So, as I said, I made it through the day. I have to direct my anger somewhere, so I am now questioning my faith. What if I am wrong about perceiving God as a loving Father? To be honest, if I think too much about it, my gut tells me I am being foolish, that God is exactly who I have always known Him to be. Verse after verse rolls through my mind about His love, His faithfulness, and who I am in Him. I know it all to be truth.
But there’s no happy ending to this blog, except to say I have some AMAZING friends on Facebook. The comments I have received in response to saying ‘Prayers don’t seem to matter. I am questioning my faith” leave me speechless. I have many people rooting me on this time…many people who care… many people to fight for.