Last night was brutal… well, the whole day wasn’t exactly easy peasy. It seems the longer one takes anti-anxiety medication, the less effective it becomes… the whole threshold facet. My Gabapentin (Neurontin) doesn’t help anymore unless I take massive amounts (which I refuse to do – came too close to ruining my life with Xanax to play with medications). The anxiety increased with the time passing… I was afraid something ‘doomful’ was about to happen. Rationalizing, I thought the worst thing that can happen is death and I am not afraid of death. My fears were silly, such as what if the smoke alarm battery didn’t stop beating and I couldn’t get it to stop? How am I going to survive my birthday alone? The holidays? And while my concerns seem menial, they continued to steamroll and crush me. I emailed, “I feel like I’m having a nervous break down!”.
I prayed… I studied Psalms… and I prayed some more. I needed human interaction. Who? I am beginning to re-evaluate my loner lifestyle. Thankfully, Stacey and Karen communicated with me, but they had no clue what I was experiencing on my side of the phone.
Maybe it is good I will be volunteering at church today and 4 days next week. It’ll be interesting to see if socializing will help or hurt my anxiety.
Jireh was right by my side the entire time. She ‘sensed’ something was happening. Jireh is my four-legged angel. Hugging her while praying… that is all I could do