Vacation Bible School ended today and I met some wonderful people, some of who may start reading my blogs so I figure I need to update with a background. Obviously, I don’t go around telling everyone about being unable to work because of depression and anxiety. I sometimes share I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, but I leave out how I went into my own deep depression and had to shut down my practice a few years ago. I rarely share how I am in bed 18 hours a day and how my psychiatrist is frustrated with not knowing how to alleviate my depression, at least so I am able to work and have a quality of life again. I don’t share how I have been hospitalized a total of five times for wanting to die… how alone I feel, how I have no family. Someone asked me today if I had any brothers or sisters and for the first time, I said, ‘no’. I figure if my relatives have repeatedly disowned me, I have no relatives. Too many years have passed to expect a change. God can perform miracles, yet I am learning to let go.
As a writer, I have prided myself in being a loner-recluse, but I don’t think isolating is wise when I am depressed which seems to be more often than not lately. Let me explain when I say ‘depressed’, I mean ‘clinically depressed’, the kind of depression, which makes people uncomfortable when elaborated and discussed. If I didn’t have a dog, I would stay in bed and wait until God took me home. I believe we are on this earth to glorify God, and that is my desire. When in a depression, I know I cannot do this, except maybe through my writing in the safety of my own home. That is where my anxiety kicks in. Yet isolation fuels the depression so I can’t win!
Believe it or not, I don’t mean to complain. Speaking about depression and anxiety tends to lead to complaining though. I try to find the spirit of joy within when I write so when I don’t post for several days, that means I have sunken deep into a depression and can’t reach for God’s hand.
My depression and anxiety makes me hard to be friends with and I am aware of this. When I feel better, I frequently start forming friendships, but I lose them when I crash into a depression due to self-destructive patterns. I had a best friend for a year but my words were too harsh… I hurt her and pushed her away. She was a great friend, an angel from God. I thought we would be friends forever.
Anyway, this is my brutally honest blog. Yes, I have Cerebral Palsy, but that is NOTHING compared to my depression and anxiety. I am ready to go home to heaven. I have tried unsuccessfully to go, but Jesus won’t let me come home yet. He still has work for me to do here on earth. I wish He would TELL ME, give me a ‘to-do’ list so I could complete my work and go to HIM. I want to hug Him. I want to be with Him and praise Him and do nothing but sit at His feet all my days… but He wants me in this world a little longer… so I try to fight the depression and serve whom He tells me to serve. I read the Bible obsessively to learn how He wants me to live, to learn what Heaven will be like, and to learn who Jesus is.
So that is the theme of my blog…. Desire to see Jesus, yet fighting depression to wait and do His work here. Holidays are hard for me. In fact, almost daily, I tell someone I cannot make it through another Thanksgiving-Christmas season. They tell me not to worry about holidays until they come, yet my resolve is so serious, I am sure I cannot make it through another holiday season. Yet I have to be here to care for my cat and dog.
Finally, I love the ocean – boating, wave runners, anything on the ocean. I love taking my dog swimming. I love sleeping with my cat. I love reading my Bible and learning new things each time I read it. I love Beth Moore lessons, Def Leppard, existentialism, Mac computers and psychology. I love pens and socks and journals and animals. And I love Tallahassee and Florida State.
I am not fond of noise, trains, arguments, sweet potatoes, and ignorance.
Welcome to my Blog! I have another blog written from a clinical perspective which will be updated soon. You can find it here: http://thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com/