Sunday, July 29, 2012

Update Part 1 - Depressing Part

Why I haven't been writing...
I knew it. Once VBS ended, I went back to spending the day alone, mostly in bed. This was disappointing as I was determined not to get back into the pattern of basically just waiting to die. I dread going back to the psychiatrist Friday, telling him the depression and anxiety continues to immobilize me. His threat of sending me to inpatient, intensive treatment looms over me all the time. “We’ve tried all the medications… your issues are so imbedded from your childhood trauma, you need intensive, ongoing therapy.” No, I need my Bible, cat and dog. “Please don’t take me from my cat and dog… give me one more chance.” Then I want you out of that bed and interacting with others.

That was 2 months ago. I started working at church a couple days per week, talking to new people, then coming home and going to bed. The best friend I had was no longer in my daily life so I would (and still do) go days without any social contact. As an introverted recluse, you’d think I’d be thrilled. I found myself getting caught up in lies, lies I knew were not true. My pain was unbearable, loneliness was excruciating. I spent nights doing the only thing I knew to do, clutching my Bible while laying in the fetal position. I obsessed over Job, how Job’s friends only added to his torment, trying to challenge Job’s faith. But Job knew who his God was, and continually praised God despite what he was experiencing.

I spent the past week at Vacation Bible School, where I discovered that talking to other adults helped me forget my depression, at least for that moment. I found myself laughing and enjoying myself… until I came home to my empty apartment, where I would go right to bed and sleep as long as my dog would let me. I wasn’t writing (except for requests from my editor), was barely grooming, and definitely wasn’t living the life for which God created me. Rob, the one friend who has stayed in my life through the past several years, would text and check on me. I know he grew tired of me saying how miserable I am.

And so I started thinking about the relief I felt talking with the adults at church. I really don’t have any close friends since I lost my best friend (“I’ll show the world! I don’t need ANYONE except my pets…”) and that, I discovered, is when the cynical, worse-than-ever depression set in – when I started isolating for days. I reached out to a couple people who had been wonderful to me in the past, Shannon being one of them. Looking back, my plea was pitiful, “Can we get together next weekend? I really need a friend… I really need someone to talk to…” I sent similar messages to Susie and Karen. I went to the Springs with Susie and just stared into oblivion. She kept asking what was wrong, “I’m depressed… this is the way I am now”. When Karen came over, she brought her dog, who played with Jireh and THAT made me happy. When my dog is happy, I am happy… for that moment. Karen is truly a gift from God, and talking openly with her reminded me I need friends. Having friends definitely helped with depression and anxiety…

Still, . I couldn’t find my joy. It had to be in there since I have the Holy Spirit within me…

To Be Continued…  The HAPPY ending tomorrow. I’m going back to bed now.

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