Saturday, August 4, 2012

Avoid Isolation

I definitely need people. The past 2 days have been dreadful, watching the clock, wanting the day to be over, only to realize the next day would be an exact replica of the present. What has happened to me? My whole life, I have been in conflict with my mom, so why am I allowing her email saying she was out of my life forever depress me so? Why was I so distraught at my relatives absence from my life? Just because it was in writing this time? And the loss of my best friend all at once?

The flaw is in me. I am the common denominator. There is something wrong with me, the blame is mine. I try to reach out to socialize and have burned so many bridges, I have few options. Isolation seems the only option. Then the bad thoughts, the self-loathing, the “who-I-was-once-was-was-such-a-better-person”, and the “I need to hide so people don’t witness my lack of faith” thoughts dominate me. I read the Psalms and beg God to help me, help me believe…

What has happened to me? I stay in bed, Jireh tries to get me to play, which only reminds me I am not even a good dog-mommy. Self-pity clouds my knowing I am a child of the most High God… no, I remember who I am, and that makes it worse, knowing I should be acting like a daughter of the most High God!

I texted a lady from Sunday school and invite her to Starbucks. She agrees, thank God. Someone to talk to. I tell her too much, tell her how my mom officially disowned me (again) and how I lost my best friend, and how Jireh has been mourning my ex-best friend’s dogs… and she says, “I just can’t imagine…’ and the look in her eyes comforts me somehow. Her understanding and words somehow reassure me this is life….this is the world we live in… it’s temporary, and we talk about other people’s life’s and their heartaches and serious. heart-breaking matters… things that leave you speechless… and I realize I need to press on, be thankful, be with people, avoid isolation, LIVE…. Get out there and LIVE… be with people. Everyone’s hurting… not just me, everyone is hurting… but we go on… we have no choice but to go on. Live every moment, with others. We need others. Life cannot be done in isolation.

1 comment:

shalinijena said...

I hope you get over this period. I really DO!

Your writing is like a mirror of your emotions.. it made me anxious at some point..take care..