“Holiness of heart and of life is thoroughly saturated with prayer, and so consecration and prayer are closely allied in personal Christianity.” – E.M. Bounds
Morning Prayer: “Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.” –Psalm 143:8.
I am determined to stay out of bed today and spend every possible moment writing. My Macbook is so old, each time it acts up, I get more of a sense of urgency. Before, I would have landmarks of Christmas or my birthday to aim for a high-priced item, but with no family, that is no longer an option. My upcoming birthday is reminding me of that, but more importantly, reminding me the woman who gave birth to me wants nothing to do with me. Not only her, but my father, my brothers, and all of my relatives… maybe I am focusing on the material loss of my birthday because I cannot handle the emotional loss of having no ‘family’ to celebrate my birth with.
I am going to be honest here- if I isolate and stay in bed long enough, focusing on that cruel reality, I will end up suicidal again. Such thoughts will dominate everything else, including my knowledge that my life is not my life since I gave it to Christ. I am merely a vessel that tries, rather INTENDS, to glorify Him with my days. Such a simple quest is impossible sometimes, thus, I end up in bed.
A Macbook wouldn’t heal the pain of not having a family. I know that. But using every ounce of will, determination, God-given gifts I have to earn the money to buy a new Macbook will distract me from my loss. I miss my mom. It breaks my heart that she refuses to speak to me.
But you know what? Life sucks… and not just for me. Life is hard for the couple going through a divorce, the child being bullied, the families separated by war, the lonely people with no one to call… the individuals who do not know Christ, thus, believe this life is all they have…
My friend, Tammy, commented on a photo I posted of Jireh. I said what a beautiful dog she is and Tammy wrote, “Yes, she is… you are truly blessed!”
She is so right. My pets are gifts from God in so many ways. They give me purpose when I isolate. They make me laugh and bring me such joy in ways I cannot explain. No, I don’t have my relatives… but (thanks to Willow Creek Church), I have food, I am sitting in a wonderful home where I am able to spend my days writing – fulfilling my passion. Yes, I lost practically everything when I had to end my counseling career due to what I now view as a ‘nervous breakdown’, but, praise God… I can get it back. I still have the mental ability to write and study and counsel and contribute. For goodness sake, I have 8 books being published and released in the Spring, with 16 to follow! I have a publisher, editor, and illustrator! That means I AM A REAL WRITER!
Tammy is right. I am blessed. We all have hard lives… but don’t give up! Don’t you dare give up! Especially if you know Christ…for His Word says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” – Isaiah 43:18,19.