I didn’t blog yesterday because I had nothing positive or profound to say. Actually, I was anxious all day, more anxious than I get at night even, and it lasted all day as I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are like muddy seaweed where there are occasional bright colors of green but you step through muck and never know how deep your step will be. The farther you walk, the deeper it gets and you are too enthralled by the environment to proceed with caution. My thoughts are like that… I wonder how I end up in some areas and, worse yet, how to get out!
So today, I am still in the muck, trying to figure out why God is blessing me – He provided me with a miracle again today… doing something only God can do. Trying to figure out how to make this world a better place with all the resources He has given me. Trying to figure out how brain chemicals can make me depressed and anxious, knowing what I know about the Gospel. Why can’t my faith trump neurochemistry? I want to live glorifying God without preaching to people. I want people to see Christ in my life by things I do and say, and mental illness stops that. I don’t want to sleep when I could be writing and learning and growing… all this muck is confusing. Why can’t I just BE who God created me to be and throw aside the fleshly hindrances? I want my life to change, I want to walk in clear waters, knowing where I am going, avoiding all distractions. And merely, yet BOLDLY following Jesus.
And I am thinking of my upcoming birthday on the 24th – it’s a Friday. Do I throw my own party? I really don’t know if people would show up and that would make my birthday all the more depressing. See? There I go again – automatically going into a depression mode and I don’t want to do that. I want to be filled with JOY… I don’t want to be depressed anymore.
See why I don’t blog somedays?? I make no sense.