Monday, August 27, 2012

Mumbles From An Older Lady


Why can’t I wake up? Why can’t I feel better? I turned 43 and have a whole list of aspirations and intentions…but all I want to do is sleep. I’m exhausted and feel like I can sleep for years.  I can’t wake up. Feel like I have been drugged or something is putting me in a fog. I know, I know, I am ON DISABILITY for depression and anxiety so, hello – I have a real diagnosis. But I don’t want those conditions anymore. I don’t want to stay stuck up in my home while the world goes around me. Yet this is my comfort zone. Socializing drains me. I think that is what wiped me out – I socialized for three days straight and, as weird as it sounds, I knew I was pushing it when I made the plans. But at the time, I enjoyed myself. Now I am paying for it. I slept all weekend and here it is Monday night and I still feel like I was hit by a truck- repeatedly. Is this my destiny? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?

There are some non-negotiables – I will maintain my licensures for counseling, I will never stop reading, and I will now write as much as I can to submit to more publishers… I am determined to write my way out of poverty and live the life I dreamed. I don’t want to rely on people anymore – I want to give, and since I  may not be able to give of my time, I need to use my talents, so the next several posts may have no plot whatsoever, especially while I am feeling bad. But I will write…

By the way, I started writing an optimistic post (see below) and I read the post above and, well, that didn’t last long…

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Year Forty-three!

My attitude has changed since I turned 43. It’s only been a few days, so I hope this new perspective continues because it’s nice to be optimistic and hopeful for a change. Someone recently loaned me a book describing how Christians shouldn’t be depressed and how that gives outsiders the a negative image of Christians – how we should all be happy and joyful and hopeful and positive and blah, blah, blah! THAT is why Christians suffer in silence. THAT is why Christians turn to other ‘hidden’ escapes, such as alcohol, drugs, etc. and when the suffering becomes unbearable, they snap… some resort to suicide, which brings up another issue of mine. When I tell people I can hardly wait until the day my work on earth is through so I can finally see Jesus… finally be I heaven where my sole duty will be to praise and glorify God forever.

People act like I have just admitted to some heinous confession by saying I am ready to be in heaven with my Jesus.! This world is not our home…. We Christians are aliens in this world. The world is full of sin and pain and I don’t understand why anyone would want to stay here any longer than God commanded. And to say Christians should not suffer from clinical depression is like saying Christians shouldn’t get head aches. Ridiculous. People act as if Christians’ have supernatural body make-up that heals, fights, and repels more than the rest of the population.

Having depression makes you feel weak and bad enough without having to question your faith as well!

*Forget it… I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME READING THIS TRASH! Too many quality books out there. Just so you know, not ALL Christians are perfectly healthy! I have so much more to say on this topic but I am not wasting my time addressing such a ludicrous concept.

People forget there are several depressed people in the Bible… and poor people, and hated people, and all kinds of people. News flash- that didn’t make them any less of a Christian.

I like who I am. 

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