Thursday, September 6, 2012

Free Flowing Writing...


Gabapentin – like speed or Adderall. Makes me intensely motivated, brain racing with thoughts and intentions to put into action. So much stimulation I don’t know which trajectory to follow. Can’t type fast enough. Praise You, God, for my intellect and interest, passion to share, for justice, to live for you… so antithetical to suicidal ideations. Same brain, inconsistent strategies… Gabapentin makes me want to utilize every minute of my days to leave a legacy, to share what God has shown me… to proclaim my depression has been the bridge connecting me to Jesus, such a wonderful blessing for Jesus to hem me in with no where to turn. Alone in this world. Multiple attempts to take my life, to quit… only to end up in hospitals where they tell you what you believe is wrong because they are so uncomfortable with not knowing the cure. You are not expecting a magical cure from man… but let me explore the existentialism of life, of people, society, why we are here… God won’t let me go to heaven until I complete the ‘to-do’ list in which He created me for. I want to know the ‘tasks’ so I can do them and go home as quickly as possible, but I see that is shamefully selfish. I am in this world to change the world…  He created each of us to be part of His family, to be the Church…  yet we are fools who chase our own desires, turning away from the Lord, not listening yet convincing ourselves we are obedient servants… we are wasting precious time and resources and gifts. Just a side note: I know I use too many ‘ands’ and will have to edit the ‘ands’ for pieces of publication… but my thoughts freely flow on this keyboard with ‘ands’ when  I do not censor my content. I have so much to say… so many reasons to give this hurting world why they can have ultimate hope… not wanting to be viewed as some Jesus freak, yet wanting people to know I have been through such hardship, loneliness, pain, and agony… it all dissipates when I quiet myself and focus on Jesus. Come to Jesus and live. Jesus will fill you with His Spirit, and as weird as that sounds, there is no greater feeling, no comparable sensation that having, KNOWING His Spirit is in your heart. He fills your heart with warm lovelies and your mind with knowledge that is undeniably from Him… comfort, security, love. People need to know what a relationship with Jesus provides. I want to tell the world what they are missing, what they can have… yet I am a hypocrite who is consumed with the temporary things of this world. So much to share, so much to give… where do I begin?

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