Friday, October 12, 2012


Certain events snap me back into the realization that past experiences shape who we are today, even after we believe events have been buried in the past. A situation happened that would appear meaningless to everyday people. Even my close friends had to be incredibly patient and understanding when I freaked out. It's the first time I feel like I needed outside help in a very long time. 

I didn't feel safe. I had been so excited to go to Tallahassee that at the last minute, when this situation happened, I felt like I was 6 years old again. I felt unable to trust my gut, unable to make my own decisions, and pressured to go along with "the group" or else they'd be mad at me. A free ride to Tallahassee with 2 great friends and nothing to do but work on my novel! It was a no brainer.

But I didn't feel safe. So I made the decision not to go. I felt such peace once I cancelled my plans. 

I woke up feeling a Crohns attack coming on (I had terrifying night terrors about my relatives- reliving the abuse) and a text from the friend who was going to dog sit saying he is sick as well (no pun), reaffirming to me I made the right decision. 

... And that feels unbelievably empowering...

No comments: