Friday, October 12, 2012

Safety

Certain events snap me back into the realization that past experiences shape who we are today, even after we believe events have been buried in the past. A situation happened that would appear meaningless to everyday people. Even my close friends had to be incredibly patient and understanding when I freaked out. It's the first time I feel like I needed outside help in a very long time. 

I didn't feel safe. I had been so excited to go to Tallahassee that at the last minute, when this situation happened, I felt like I was 6 years old again. I felt unable to trust my gut, unable to make my own decisions, and pressured to go along with "the group" or else they'd be mad at me. A free ride to Tallahassee with 2 great friends and nothing to do but work on my novel! It was a no brainer.

But I didn't feel safe. So I made the decision not to go. I felt such peace once I cancelled my plans. 

I woke up feeling a Crohns attack coming on (I had terrifying night terrors about my relatives- reliving the abuse) and a text from the friend who was going to dog sit saying he is sick as well (no pun), reaffirming to me I made the right decision. 

... And that feels unbelievably empowering...

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