Sunday, November 1, 2015

Nanowrimo Day 1

Progressing along...
When land was no longer in sight, she threw down the anchor and penned these words:

The vast, great sea. My companions and me.

Away from "all them". Watching 3 dolphins swim.

God's greatest creation! A sea-life formation!

So thankful to visit, a place so exquisite.

Careful not to intrude, silently subdued.

Respecting the ocean, her boat rocked in slow-motion.

Nanowrimo Begins!

Enjoying Nanowrimo so far!!! Here's a sample from my first chapter:

Piper chose to live a life with her only invested relationship being with Jesus. Right or wrong,  she knew the consequences, and willingly accepted them. She had no firm foundation to build from since her primary relationship in her formative years. Dysfunction was all she had known, and at this point in her life, she was done with pain and suffering. She only needs Jesus.

Sunday morning, Piper was secretly glad it was raining as she had a valid reason not to attend church today. She thankfully has been blessed to have the opportunity to spend her days writing,  and today she is starting writing on her latest book. Piper couldn't comfortably read fictional materials, or even watch movies, without feeling guilty for 'wasting her time'. Rather, her career as a psychotherapist included writing for psychology journals and technical papers based on research. Major life changes motivated Piper to give herself a break, and put her creative self in charge. For the next month, she would allow her imagination to flow on paper as she savored living on a boat with her cat and dog.

Nanowrimo 2015

And I'm off... having no idea where this is going. Nanowrimo - 113 words down, 49, 887 remaining.  Starting from scratch.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Faith and Football

I'm wondering how Jesus sees us Christians who cause people to turn from Him. I'm in no way comparing Jesus to FSU. But I do see how life applies to my faith. FSU finally lost a football game, and you can feel it in the air. I woke up feeling like someone died. I love my Seminoles, and I get angry when people who didn't go to the school who beat us bad mouth us. If you went to Georgia Tech, congratulations. Otherwise, don't tease me about our loss. It reminds me of non invested people gloat when a Christian falls. They tend to mock Christianity, accusing the Body of Christ as hypocrisy. That's not cool. But when your heart is rooted in Someone, words hurt, yet with the Spirit's power, you pray and love the naysayers. After all, Jesus wins the Ultimate Championship, and I'm on His team.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Pure Love

Circumstances have challenged my belief that being fulfilled indepently is of the greatest of self-actualization levels. Being alone defies societal norms. Perhaps many people avoid independent status because they can't get past the pressures of being part of a couple. Despite my high education level, I continue to get that pitiful stare with, "... but not even a boyfriend?"

The patronizing assumptions stopped bothering me years ago. In fact, I take pride in my independence and savor my freedom. My mind, days, life doesn't include the necessity of considering anyone else. I thought I had reached the social pinnacle, until now.

As much courage as it takes to face life alone, the true challenge is living a self-determined quality of life while welcoming another person unconditionally. Life gets messy. Jealousy, insecurity, compromising, forgiveness, understanding, stability become necessary, consistent  ingredients. To allow someone in your heart takes the utmost vulnerability.  Initially, for a long duration, I fought it.

I lost.

My walls have been broken, tests all passed, and I've surrendered. He's so precious, I haven't shared details about him with anyone. I love him like I've never thought possible. Never could I considered promising to stay by someone until death occurs... until now.

Words are insignificant. Nothing can describe the level I've achieved. It's forever. With him, it's forever. I love him. I trust him. He adds vibrance to my life. He makes me laugh, smile, think, excel, and live.

Without hesitation, I vow to be his... 'til death due us part.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Choosing Quality of Life

The option to choose... that is the secret to a quality of life. Once you become able to support yourself, your life is what you make it. Don't blame your past (parents, upbringing, socioeconomic status), don't blame your present situation/circumstances... your life is determined by you, and you alone. It is that simple.

I'll share a few personal examples how I went from a poverty stricken, homeless victim of several sexual abusers, most of them admittedly my fault because as a flawed, crippled, worthless child who was constant reminded what a burden she was... that was all I knew. My childhood formed my identity. I believed I was lucky to be fed, clothed, talked to, never mind loved. I lived by beliefs such as Jesus would punish me if I messed up, I owed my life to my mother for keeping me from an institution, whoever did me a favor, I was forever indebted to them... and the preferred commerce, even at 8 years old, was sex. That was all I was good for.

Thirty years later, I still lived by these beliefs, except one major change: my personal relationship with Jesus. Faith. Faith changed my life.

Suddenly, I wasn't willing to be a whore anymore. When told my heat would only be fixed if I performed oral sex, and I had no where to go in the 20 degree weather, I prayed. God told me exchanging sex for services wasn't what he wanted for me. He wouldn't tell me where to go or what to do, but I knew the story of Abraham in Genesis who moved when instructed by the Lord.

So I moved into my car with my cat, refusing to use sex as commerce. Life was hard for months and years after, but I walked by faith.

Four years have passed. My beliefs have changed. My body is God's temple- it is sacred. It is not mine. No one touches it or abuses it any more.

I'm a child of God. People who are burdened by me or don't have time for me are still loved and forgiven by me, but my energy goes toward those who respect me and actively love me. Relatives are merely blood-connected; family is unconditional love connected.

And once you make Jesus Lord of your life, He takes care of you. There is no need to worry. Stay near to Jesus, and He will show you where to go. Just like watching a rivalry football game, it's best not to watch... don't get upset at the details. Don't waste your time or energy. Give it to God. Give problems to God. Don't worry while waiting for the final score. Use that time praising Him, helping others.

My life is the best it has ever been. My childhood never changed. The history of sexual abuse is still there. But because my faith has changed, God has given me a life better than I ever dreamed.

The secret to a self-determined quality of life is to take control and make decisions. My decision was to make Jesus Lord of my life. And I'm eternally grateful.

Friday, October 16, 2015

My First Love

I found a photo from 2 years ago, my ex-boyfriend, Jeff. So much has is funny. We discussed living together (I refuse to marry), it would've solved all my financial problems. He wanted me to stay home and write. He tried. He really tried. Started reading the Bible for me. But I couldn't give up my dependence on Jesus. I resented the time our dates stole from my quiet time. He spoiled me. Swept me away to Longboat Key for my birthday weekend, where he took me to expensive restaurants, bought me clothes, my beloved Sperry's... romantic walks on an isolated beach... but it wasn't enough. I guess I'm too nonconforming... I only wanted my Jesus. The way I met Jeff was like a dream... bonfire...cold friends, yet strangers... he asked me to dance... Sting was singing "When We Dance"... everybody faded into a fog. I was smitten. Two hours passed with us slow dancing, every so often, friends would say romance was in the air... we ignored them. Fourteen months later, I moved to Tallahassee. He has visited me a couple times, I've gone to visit him... but I went back to my First Love - Jesus, and never looked back. (from autobiography manuscript).