Monday, December 29, 2008

Having trouble breathing today which I explain in this video.
Woke up struggling to catch my breath. Also, I keep getting extremely cold, then sweaty. Coughing, aching, I just don't feel good. This is one of those times I wish I wasn't alone.

Maybe 2009 will be my year. Finally. I've grown a lot in 2008, painful but long-lasting lessons. My life hit rock bottom, and is still bouncing on the floor of a pit. Have to keep momentum so it bounces higher where I can catch my breath (no pun).

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Just Updated Seminole's Site

Maybe I'll see him in 2009. I will be glad to see 2008 pass. Seminole's Rainbow Bridge site


God is amazing… can I just say that? He has taught me so much this year. I cannot believe I did not get depressed this Christmas. In fact, one of my life long goals that I made 12 years ago was ‘Not be depressed on Christmas”. I can check that off!

You see, I have learned we ALL have limits. Some are understandable, many are not, and the key to socializing is to identify people’s individual limits, i.e. what they can and cannot handle, and respect them.
. But I understand now. I understand we all have reasons for why we do what we do.

You know the best part of the day? I realized even more clearly Jesus is the only One who doesn’t have limits… who won’t delete me from Facebook or refuse to listen to how wonderful my Christmas Eve is. Bryn is one of MANY friends I love and am so thankful for… yet Jesus is my best friend. Truly my BFF.

Bryn is one of my best friends in the world. I cannot express how much I love her, because she accepts me and loves me despite my faults. Knowing I can be honest with her eases the pressure. I told her how I did not want to talk at the hospital (to the other carolers) and she understood. I just wanted to reflect on each family, and pray for every baby, and talk to Jesus about them. With one child, I left the room and started crying (not weeping) and a few people told me not to cry. That bothered me. A guy informed me I needed to be strong… In my mind, being ‘strong’ means empathizing and identifying and feeling the pain of the family. Any robot can go from room to room, smiling “Merry Christmas!”

I digress.

The day had it’s sorrows... but I understand now. I understand we all have reasons for why we do what we do.

You know the best part of the day? I realized even more clearly Jesus is the only One who doesn’t have limits… who won’t delete me from Facebook or refuse to listen to how wonderful my Christmas Eve is. Bryn is one of MANY friends I love and am so thankful for… yet Jesus is my best friend. Truly my BFF.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Isolate, Not Alone

One thing I value about my wiring is the ability to be comfortable in isolation. Perhaps this is why God has blessed me with so many friends (which I am realizing how many as I address Christmas cards!) because I can keep a healthy balance in this area. Of course, too much isolation is viewed as unhealthy… yet ‘too much’ is a subjective amount.

I’ve written how people, especially Christians, give me grief about not being a big fan of socializing. So many times, I force myself to interact with others, believing it is the right thing to do. Then the next day or two, I am always resentful, bitter, and downright grumpy from having a social hang-over.

Something I read from Streams in the Dessert brought me much comfort. It explains my wiring in a ways have never been able to:

May we allow God to isolate us, but I do not mean in the isolation of a monastery. It is in the experience of isolation that the Lord develops an independence of life and of faith so that the soul no longer depends on the continual help, prayers, faith and care of others. The assistance and inspiration of others are necessary, and they have a place in the Christian’s development, but at times they can actually be an hindrance to a person’s faith and welfare.

This has become apparent in my life as I have stopped sharing personal details with an email group of 25 and limited it to 3 people. No longer do I worry about my friends forming an intervention to help me. No longer am I afraid I will lose friends who are unable to handle my ‘crisis’. I keep it between me and Jesus, and this has brought me closer to Him than ever before. So when I ‘isolate’, His presence assures me I am never alone.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Crohns Blessings

I use to only think of God when I went to bed and said my prayers. There was no communication between me and the Trinity… I just told God what I wanted. I take that back; the only other time I would go to God was when I was in a situation where I felt helpless, like when my boyfriend took me way back in the woods to go target shooting, and a lightning storm made my surroundings seem like a battle field. I prayed whole-heartedly… until I was out of the storm.

Now I continuously interact with Him, whether going through storms or blue sky, sunny days. For the most part. I am able to lay my concerns at His feet and focus on His blessings. It has taken years for Him to develop this part of my character.

I choose to praise Him through my sufferings. Last night started the worse Crohns attack I’ve had since college. I have blood in my stools, fresh blood, which is when mom use to take me to the doctor when I lived at home, and I would be admitted to the hospital. Seeing the blood initially upset me, thinking “I just get a grip on the depression, now this!” I stopped, and refocused my perspective – thank God I have COBRA! It would be horrible if I were this sick and did not have the option of getting medical treatment. God is so good to cover ALL my needs, financial, social, psychological, and medical. I have no need to worry knowing He’s got me covered.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Interesting Disability Statistics

Found this on Business Wire:

Among people 15 and older, 7.8 million (3 percent) had difficulty hearing a normal conversation, including 1 million being unable to hear at all. Although not part of the definition of disability used in the report, 4.3 million people reported using a hearing aid.
Roughly 3.3 million people, or 1 percent, age 15 and older used a wheelchair or similar device, with 10.2 million, or 4 percent, using a cane, crutches or walker.
Nearly 7.8 million people age 15 and older had difficulty seeing words or letters in ordinary newspaper print, including 1.8 million being completely unable to see.
More than 16 million people had difficulty with cognitive, mental or emotional functioning. This included 8.4 million with one or more problems that interfere with daily activities, such as frequently being depressed or anxious, trouble getting along with others, trouble concentrating and trouble coping with stress.
The chances of having a disability increase with age: 18.1 million people 65 and older, or 52 percent, had a disability. Of this number, 12.9 million, or 37 percent, had a severe disability. For people 80 and older, the disability rate was 71 percent, with 56 percent having a severe disability.
Among people 16 to 64, 13.3 million, or 7 percent, reported difficulty finding a job or remaining employed because of a health-related condition.
Among people 25 to 64 with a severe disability, 27 percent were in poverty, compared with 12 percent for people with a nonsevere disability and 9 percent for those without a disability.
Median monthly earnings were $1,458 for people with a severe disability, $2,250 for people with a nonsevere disability and $2,539 for those with no disability.
Parents reported that 228,000 children under age 3, or 2 percent, had a disability. Specifically, they either had a developmental delay or difficulty moving their arms or legs. In addition, there were 475,000 children 3 to 5 years, or 4 percent, with a disability, which meant they had either a developmental delay or difficulty walking, running or playing.
There were 4.7 million children 6 to 14, or 13 percent, with a disability. The most prevalent type was difficulty doing regular schoolwork (2.5 million, or 7 percent).

Paul's Sentiment

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our] behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
- 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

So many people know about the season I am in that there must be many (I hope) who have prayed for me. I love sharing how God blesses me so others can praise God with me. Paul's sentiment in 2 Corinthians reminds me where my hope is and why I trust Him.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Crisis Over

You know the verse about delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart? I am living it. Six months ago, I wanted nothing to do with counseling and have regretted investing in becoming a licensed therapist.

Monday, I was forced to make a crucial decision about my future. One phone call turned everything upside down. Truly, I was freaking out. Fortunately, Connie met me on the spur of the moment when I emailed her, and 60 minutes later, my peace returned. Brainstorming and heart-sharing with her clarified the current desires of my heart. Now, I had been offered 2 alternatives to living on the streets, and while I was desperate for anything, I knew God had something better for me, so I declined.

Since I declared my desire to go back into counseling clients, my interest in psychology and human nature has greatly increased, while feelings of depression decreased… significantly. I am actually productive again. I am falling asleep without popping sleeping pills. I have peace beyond understanding.

This is major since the past 17 years, I have been in a deep depression during the holidays. Not now. In fact, Bryn invited me to come over on Christmas, and I accepted!! (I know!!!)

Since then, my landlord graciously reduced my rent $150 PER MONTH!!! and continues to work with me – meaning I don’t have to move 12/31. It’s still gonna be tough, but I am no longer in crisis mode. God is good… all the time

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My View on Gov. Paterson Skit

There's some discussion about a Saturday Night Live skit which portrays N,Y. Governor David Paterson. Governor Paterson feels the imitation of him crossed the line, offending people with disabilities,

Personally, I'm not offended. I am one of those people who doesn't get caught up in 'politically correct language" when discussing people with disabilities. My belief is people are already uncomfortable around me, so why add to their pressure by being sensitive to what words they use around me? People-first language has never been an issue for me. Rather, I want people to focus on our interaction instead of the order of their words.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Green Grass

It's very cold in Florida this morning. I am much more sensitive to how the homeless survive since technically, I could be one of them in 18 days. Last night, I hardly got any sleep, wondering how much longer the cats and I would have a warm bed. It truly is a shame we don't realize the blessings we have until it is too late.

To get my mind off reality, I met a friend whom I have not seen in over ten years. We were best friends in middle school. Now she is a stay at home mom, married to a very wealthy man. The diamond on her hand is bigger than my pinky finger knuckle. She is probably a size 5, if not 3... one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I had a great time chatting with her, rekindling our special friendship, yet when we parted, jealousy and bitterness set in. I know the grass is always greener, still, her life truly seemed perfect.

As I type this inside my heated home, sweatpants, warm socks, 120 degree cup of coffee, I pray I can learn to be content in any situation. A few weeks from now, I may be willing to do anything to go back to my current situation. Who knows...

Words from a wise friend:
First of all, I'm sorry how things worked out with your mom and dad. I know their response had to be difficult to hear, but thankfully when our (your) desire is to be in God's will He will go as far as to prevent us (you) from taking a path that would not be in our (your) best interest and He can even use your mother to accomplish that. He truly is a good God, all the time!!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Serious Reality

In June 2008, my doctor placed me on permanent disability- I've been falling and my cerebral palsy makes me clumsier as I age, not to mention having major clinical depression. So I had to quit my job, applied for Social Security, and have only been surviving thinking I would get a huge retroactive check covering the months I since I applied for Disability. My church and friends have been helping me out believing once my checks start in January, I'd be fine. Well, I found out there is a 5 month waiting period and I WILL NOT receive a retroactive check. So I am screwed. This has led me into an even more severe depression where I am taking sleeping pills to 'escape'. I know that is counter-productive, yet when I think about my limited time remaining, I get all panicky and paralyzed with fear. I know God is in control... I know He has me in the palm of His hand, still I am scared... more scared than I have ever been in my life.

I asked my family if I could come live with them in Tn. until I get my feet off the ground and they said no. I could live with my brother, but he has a HUGE dog which would give my 14 year old cat a heart attack... and my cats are my kids... I only go where they are welcomed. So as of 12/31, I have no place to go. I've been having faith and praying, yet the more time passes, the harder it gets.

So that is my deal and why I am not up to socializiing right now. Sorry for such a 'downer' post...

I'll keep you posted... may be from the homeless shelter, yet I'll be in touch!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Annoying Addy

Addy is ticklish on her back paws.

Antisocial Christian

As I walked in the church with Twyla, I sensed her debating whether to introduce me to her friends. I gently stated she didn’t need to, in fact, “you can tell them I am mute” I said half-kidding.

People, especially Christians, continue to give me a hard time about my hermit tendencies. They see me in public, joking with people, and assume I am having a grand ole time. I can tell you with all honesty, my social interactions are never without the power of the Holy Spirit.

I just don’t like being with people. Why I chose to become a licensed counselor, I don’t know… Maybe to try to understand people, including myself, so I can learn why I have such difficulty engaging in human contact. I use to worry I would tarnish my Christian ‘image’ by admitting my antisocialism… but not anymore. I want people to know I am going out of my comfort zone all out of obedience to Jesus. I want my friends to know I love them so much, I will do anything for them.

Twyla thanked me for going to her church which, by the way, is an AWESOME church (except the woman who hugged me…) where I felt unusually comfortable. Twyla knew I went for her, as a way of giving, investing in our friendship. Some may think it’s pride, thinking I believe people should feel honored that I hang out with them. It’s not about that at all. Just as friends pray for me, help me with cat sitting, rides to the airport… they don’t do it out of a pompous attitude – rather, they are showing me their love for me… and their love for Jesus. And that is what makes this loner socialize…

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Forgive me my jealousy, forgive me my pride
Forgive all the bitterness I harbor inside.
Forgive me of gossip, and acts of self-gain.
Forgive all the ways I don’t praise Your name.
Let me model You, by your power and might,
For only by Your Spirit can I do what is right.
-- sw 12/7/8

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Disability Link

Promise - am going to do some major updates for the past week and a half. Until then, I found a Disability Related information site that may be of interest to some of you. I am finding more issues with the whole Social Security System and am ready to speak out. For instance, the 1-800 # for Social Security is voice activated... It asks questions like 'where were you born?' Because of my speech impediment, it'll say "I'm sorry - I cannot understand you. Goodbye." and hangs up!!!! The Social Security Disability hotline! That is just ridiculous.