Friday, October 16, 2009

Response to Why I Chose Not to Marry

Recently, I was asked why I am not interested in marriage. Here is my response:

In BSF, I learned how weddings were week long celebrations, people took off work, and partied all week. From this, I assume Jesus values marriage, especially if people took off work, etc. So yes, I know God intends man and woman to become one. I respect that for others.

But for me, there is no benefit to being married. I have no desire whatsover to marry. My relationship with Jesus is more than enough.

I’m happy with the way my life is now.  But that’s just for me.
--

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dog Application Almost Complete

Two months later, I finished my short bio for my assistance dog application. Now I have to attach a few photos of my abode, and get this package in the mail. Here's the bio:
Shelly Weiss
Autobiography for Assistance Dog
 
I am a 40 year old single lady who lives in a 2 bedroom villa. While I have had Cerebral Palsy (C.P.) since birth, I have lived independently since attending college in 1993. My speech, walking and motor skills are impaired by C.P., yet never to the degree of impairing my ability to perform daily living skills until a few years ago when I started falling and having trouble with fine motor tasks (such as picking things up).  Last month, I fell and was unable to get back up due to lack of balance and coordination, and now I am scared to leave my home for fear this may happen again. I see a psychiatrist for anxiety and clinical depression, both of which would be greatly helped if I had an assistance dog. I love animals and am always uplifted when I see friends’ dogs, especially golden retrievers! For 12 years, I owned a golden retriever and he was one of the best friends I have ever had. Hopefully, I will be able to have an assistance dog to have a mutually rewarding companionship with.
 
Thank you,
Shelly

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

No Telling

Spent much of the day reading journal from last year. I wanted to die much of 2008, wrote things like ‘I hope I finally see Jesus and Seminole in 2009’ and “much sicker… and miserable… want someone to care. Despite what I say, I want someone there…”

Fortunately, my perspective has greatly improved. I’m not paralyzed by depression, I can wait for God to call me home… I know when it’s time, he will take me.

I’ve learned I was blaming others for things that were actually in my power to control. Telling my secrets to people, inappropriately… secrets aren’t as bad as I believed. I thought if I had to hide something from my closest friends, I was a. a deceitful friend and b. doing something I shouldn’t be doing if I had to hide.

Now I realize I am in control of what I share. I kind of like having parts of my life to myself. Maybe it means I no longer feel the need for others validation. Funny, I seem to feel more validated when I hide who I am..

Maybe in a perfect world, I can share whom I am dating or my latest coping strategy that keeps the depression away. But this isn’t that perfect world. My relatives buy me a gravesite and say they wish I was never born, I fall down now and have trouble getting back up, and I have several other issues weighing on my heart.

But it’s okay. It’s my life. I can handle it. There’s no telling how resilient I can be.

--

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Praying

Prayer was on my mind last night so I listened to Phillip Yancey’s audiobook, Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference? while drifting of to sleep. Yancey points out that Jesus felt compelled to pray so we should pray. Jesus, the Son of God, who knew things we will never have the ability to comprehend, spent entire nights praying. Therefore, although sometimes praying may feel silly and ineffective, Jesus’ actions prove otherwise. Besides, being a Christian means being Christlike… Christ prayed, so I pray.

Yet prayer is a weak area in my life. I don’t ‘be still and know that he is God’ (Psalm 46:10) nearly as much as I’d like, which explains why prayer has been on my mind.

This morning, I opened my Bible to Job 11:13-15, which reads:
Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.

The Hebrew word for ‘hand’ in verse 13 is kap, signifying the flat part of the hand. In Exodus 9:29, the same word is used to indicate ‘the hands being spread out in prayer’. Prayer!! I did not know Job 11:13 referred to prayer until I looked it up in my Lexical Aids Bible!

Why do we neglect to spend quality time in the Word? God never fails to profoundly speak to my heart if only I put Him first. And when He speaks, everything and everyone else is put into proper perspective. In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God (John 1:1). Not only was the Word at the beginning of all creation, it needs to be the beginning of each day, night, conflict, conversation, mission… the beginning of everything.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Poem - Returning

I'm sorry I've been distracted,
Not too proud of how I've acted.
Feeling You tugging at my heart,
Illuminating we're apart.
Now returning afront your throne.
I focus on You alone.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Sharing

Sometimes it hurts to share
Sometimes I hate to care. 
But God's given my life a voice
Sharing my writing's no choice. 

As long as I continue to live
A voice to my heart I'll give. 
It's not what others say
But glorifying God I pray. 

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Pray for Me

Please pray I will develop the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3;4

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Missing Nothing

What exactly am I missing? He never really was what I thought. 
I believed so long he'd be there, his absence was never his fault. 
Perhaps the part which saddens me is admitting what is true. 
I'll never be part of his family regardless of what I do. 
If I had a family of my own, I wouldn't long to be included.  
But it's not fair to him, so I must leave... is what I have concluded. 

More On Friendships

Warning: When you decide to end a friendship, be prepared for the ramifications.
People will react to the changes they see and the words they hear from you.
I neglected to consider the additional heartbreak experienced upon seeing those with whom I’ve severed friendships.
I’m learning, albeit painfully, that it’s not easy letting go of people because I believe they do not care about me. As hard as it is to have an unrequited friendship with such people, it’s even harder to have no connection at all.

Should we apologize and beg for forgiveness for ending the friendship? After all, isn’t any relationship better than nothing?

Or should we stick to our guns, and not only maintain our decision to end these friendships, but never let anyone in again, thus avoid being hurt so deeply in the future?

Actually, I believe there is a middle ground. If someone repeatedly (whether intentionally or not) causes more pain than love, for your sake and theirs, move on. Remember the blessings from your connection, let go of the pain, and be thankful for the season you had them in your life.

Then recognize season’s end. Sad, but this is what indicates growth. When one season ends, another begins. New friendships, fresh new beginnings! Embrace them!

Let go of what you outgrow. Never settle. Always be open to love.



Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cry

Waking this morning with puffy eyes
Reminds me instantly of last night's cries. 
Severing the relationship of a valued friend
After admitting the fact it had to end. 

He helped me grow into this shell of mine,
Taught me life lessons in 4 years time. 
My path no longer crosses his,
Lack of substance validates this. 

I wish him well as I wave goodbye,
And turn before once again, I cry. 

Friday, October 2, 2009

Not Avon

3 ladies of 'another religion' come to my door AGAIN!
Them: "Good morning! We are talking to people about the Bible..."
Me (pointing at my opened Bible on the couch): I know all about the Bible... Thank you, but I'm firm in my faith..."
Them: "But can we talk to you? Maybe give you verses to read?"
Me: "No, thank you... I read them all..." (trying to shut the door).
Them: (All 3 ganging up on me) "Just let us leave some information..." (pushing info in the door)
ME: "Alright, leave it in the basket right there..." (trash can outside the door. Their mouths dropped as I shut the door).

Thursday, October 1, 2009

What Problem?

If I wasn’t the main character of the Shelly Weiss Life Story, I’d believe it was fiction. I’d think the author added drama here and there to make the story entertaining. Actually, I wish that was the case, but it’s all true.

Last night, I was absolutely devastated to be told by an integral person in my life that s/he wished I had died at birth because I am less than ‘bright’ and have a miserable life. Hearing her/his confession had me literally kneeling at the toilet, barfing up my dinner. I ended up reaching out to Twyla, who had me laughing within 30 minutes. (proving I am wrong about believing no one is there for me).

Still, I thought I would be unable to sleep/write/stop crying for days…

Again, I was proven wrong. I am actually in a good mood this morning and keep forgetting what took place last night. Instead of analyzing the conversation, I went right to my Bible, reading Psalm 10:14b, 16-18:
he victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

Hallelujah! God’s got us. The saved are on His side, and though the battle is fierce, He not only defends us, He has promised to win the battle so that the enemy may terrify us no more! By believing God’s promises and living in full reliance on Him, our momentary problems become a far off memory… even if they happened just last night,

Finally, these words from Inner State 80 beautifully elaborate on a life of faith:
Pastor Joel Hunter writes,
Genuine faith consists in building one's life upon the Lord Jesus Christ. It involves placing one's trust in the salvation that He won, and then acting on that trust in the way we live each day of our lives...

But until we depend on Him to hold us up, until we lean on Him to the point that if He lets us go, we will fall, until we base our entire lives upon the promises He has made, all our beliefs that He is trustworthy are nothing more than guesses.