Thursday, June 30, 2011

Poem- One of Them

One of Them
People always meddling, “MIND YOUR BUSINESS”- I say!
Painfully, it hit me… I’ve been living the same way.
This pattern I have practiced, which lately gets on my nerves.
I now criticize in others, judgment no one deserves.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dreams, Faith, Trust

And without faith is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. – Hebrews 11:6

On the edge of a dream… a possibility which has been my heart’s desire for my adult life. Don’t get my hopes up. Look how many times I have been let down. Look how impossible this is. The safe thing to do is not to think about it… that way, I won’t be disappointed.

Without faith it is impossible to please God…

1 Samuel 12:24
 But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.

Psalm 86:11
 Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

Psalm 91:4
 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Matthew 8:26 
He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

Matthew 9:29
 Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith let it be done to you”;

Ephesians 2:8
 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

John 10:10
 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Psalm 37:4
 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

All things are possible to him who BELIEVES.
Matthew 19:26 
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Friends and Loner

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? 
7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies. 8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans.”  - Psalm 118

Just as there are Bible verses asserting God created us for community, there are also verses instructing not to trust in man, put no confidence in a friend, etc. I hold on to the latter verses to assure myself I am obeying God’s Word… and to protect my heart.

I feel God convicting me this morning. He’s telling me it isn’t all or nothing; I can fully rely on God AND love people at the same time. I can put all my confidence in Him AND be in a community simultaneously. After all, Jesus fully relied on His Father, putting all his confidence in Him, and loved us so much He died for us.

Seems I am down to 3 friends now, after losing the one who knew and understood me the most. I once was well-liked in this city, actively attending a mega-church and a prominent community figure in working for people with disabilities. Now, well, I don’t belong here anymore. Everyone knows I was hospitalized for attempting suicide and said/did things to defend myself when everyone turned away. I have wanted to move back to Tallahassee since I… well, I never wanted to leave Tallahassee. I only came to Central Florida because there were paid internships here unlike Tallahassee where students work for free. Job opportunities kept me here. I have started putting steps in place to finally move back home.

But I am realizing how hard it would be to leave my friend, Jennifer. She has done so much for me, and truly has helped me survive the past 6 months. I can’t imagine not having her to call for things like – true story – getting the Q-tip cotton head out of my ear. (Yes, that really happened 2 weeks ago!). Or how she vacuumed up hundreds of termite wings from my house because I was about to vomit. Or how her husband sprayed the yard for fleas when Jireh had missed her flea medicine. And when they let me spend the night at their house with Jireh after she was vomiting from spay surgery. I don’t even want to think about how mad Jireh and Addy will be if I move them away from Jen’s family!

Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you— better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away. – Proverbs 27:10 

So what do I do? They easy answer would be stay close to my friend… but I thought my former friend and I would be friends forever, and look what happened! Jen has promised she will not betray my trust and she isn’t going anywhere. I told her yesterday, that’s what the other friend said so I don’t believe her.

But God reminded me this morning, Peter promised Jesus he would never deny Him. Not only did Peter deny Jesus, Jesus knew Peter would deny him and loved him anyway.

I think I have some heart-softening to do…

Sunday, June 26, 2011

To My Three Remaining Friends

I am going back into my shell for awhile... My comment below to my new blog reader explains why: I got rid of most of my friends earlier this year when I was facing a tragedy and no knew how to help- hello? Just listen and don't assume you have to fix it, you know? So here I am, a licensed therapist, in a deep depression... That was March. Lost my church, everything. Hung on to 4 friends- this one has a history of depression too so we discussed things no one else could handle. The friendship meant everything to me, until last week when words were said that should not have been. Today I told the friend it was over (after a week of being made to feel like a nuisance). I no longer trust anyone since my closest friend did this, anyone can!

Poem - More Friends Suck

Why won't poems format on this blog? Termites swarm on my bed, explosive angst boils in my head, Forgive the negative mood.  What? You're there for me, but not right now, you see? So sorry I happened to intrude! I don't plan the times I crash, sorry I ruined your bash.  Right now, I need some hope. Calling you was a mistake, for your concern was false and fake.  Go ahead, let go of my rope. 

Easy Come, Easy Go

Easy Come, Easy Go Friendships die instead of grow. What makes some last, I do not know- But pure dirt and manure- no need to sow.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

And The Walls Go Back Up

How could a friendship which was unlike any I have ever had end like all the other friendships have? And unlike the others, I fought for this one... instead of just walking away, this friend was the first I've ever pleaded to let's work it out because I needed our unique bond. I needed someone to talk to about things no one else could handle- not even my counseling peers. I needed this person to accept me for the loner i am, and sometimes, I do want to die and be with Jesus- we talked openly about stuff like that without judgement... In fact, this friend told me if I ever did commit suicide, there would be understanding as they have felt the same. This friendship allowed me to be honest and vulnerable, and without a mask.  It helped me get better, and even writing again because I knew the support I had.  That has all changed. Their side is they have deadlines and everything is fine and I worry about nothing. I would believe that if the circumstances were different... Too personal to share.  A friendship unlike the rest, ended like all the rest.  I can't reiterate that enough.  God, please let me move back to the panhandle. This place is crawling with termites, and I don't feel welcomed here anymore. Even the hospitals don't want me back. Maybe visiting Sherry next weekend would do me good. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Christian Existentialist

OH MY GOSH! I feel sooo much better compared to yesterday. Amazing! Truly unexplainable by anything but God’s grace.

I found myself incredibly sick, so sick I considered calling an ambulance! I couldn’t move because I was achy, dizzy, and somewhat numb. It was terrifying! All I could do was pray: God, I know I haven’t been speaking to you, and have not been serving you… I also know You created me, therefore, understand my heart and motives. I am so sick… I need healing, NOW please. No one can help me but YOU. Come to me, Jesus…

And He did! I soon fell asleep, and woke up this morning feeling GREAT! Not only physically fine, but emotionally rejuvenated. 

When we lose a valued friendship, it can be an unbearable pain that can make us want to stop the world so we can get off. To quote Reba, “I guess the world didn’t stop for my broken heart”.  (That was my obsessive theme song when Seminole died in 2006.)  Reflecting on my existentialist beliefs, I realize losing a relationship is part of life. We will lose most relationships, in fact. Ultimately, we are on our own. Yes, God gives us friends to accompany us during periods of our lives – some remain for longer periods than others. And while those friends walk with us, I believe we are to love and embrace them, enjoy them while we have them. Yet, hold on loosely. Forcing relationships and/or expecting relationships not to change will stunt our personal growth. Unlike many existentialists, I know I have God beside me throughout my life. Imagine individuals such as Sarte who truly believe(d) he was all alone.  Maybe that is why I feel hope again… I am reminded no matter what I lose, I will always have my Jesus. While I agree with Jean-Paul Sarte's comment below, at least Christians have faith and hope:

When I was imprisoned, I met a rather remarkable man, a Jesuit who had joined that order in the following way: As a child, his father had died leaving him in poverty. At school he was made to feel that he was accepted only for charity's sake and denied the usual pleasures. At eighteen he came to grief in a sentimental affair and then failed his military examinations. He could regard himself as a total failure, but, cleverly, took it as a sign that the religious life was the way for him. He saw the word of God there, but who can doubt that the decision was his and his alone? He could as easily have chosen to be a carpenter or a revolutionary.

As for 'despair', this simply means that we will restrict ourselves to relying only on our own will, or on the probabilities which make our action possible. If I am counting on the arrival of a friend, I presuppose that their train will be on time. But I am still among possibilities, outside my own field of action. No God, no intention, is going to alter the world to my will.

 In the end, Descartes meant the same, that we must act without hope. Sarte

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Lyrics Say it All

This video/lyrics sums up my day today: Loss

Temptation... Why Not?

Oooooh..... Temptation. Dangerous temptation has been neatly placed on my lap. Jennifer is out of town, Don is tied up, and Rob isn't in the equation. This opportunity could be the solution... Yet it could take me back to a dark, dangerous place. I am mad at God so please pray for me today. I'm at a major crossroad right now. Pray I can resist temptation and do the right thing for Jireh, Addy, Don, Jenn and my future. This is a life changing decision.   P.S. I signed up for a roommate service in the panhandle after finding LIVE termites in my bed and sealed toilet paper... Soooo disgusting!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Fighting Depression

It is taking every ounce of my will to write this as I am crashing again. This depression episode is situational, meaning I know why it is happening as I have suffered a significant loss. Readers know I am estranged from my family and, for various reasons, have a minimal number of ‘friends’ in my life. This is one of the ramifications of clinical depression; either people are repelled by the depressant’s inconsistency, or they are unable to live up to the unattainable expectations of the one who is crashing.

So I have crawled out of bed, determined to keep working through my episodes instead of wallowing in self-pity as the latter will be of no assistance to me. Instead, I push past my vulnerability and share in detail what the realities of depressions are from the eyes of a therapist, as well as one who is depressed.

The prominent feature of clinical depression is hopelessness, believing nothing will change. With loss of interest, increased lethargy, anhedonia and assuming no one understands, the loss of hope leads to thoughts such as ‘nothing is going to change’ and ‘I’m destined to this life of doom’. See how the negativity cyclones?

In effort to avoid drowning in self-pity, I called a friend, who convinced me to bring Jireh (my beloved golden retriever) for a visit, stating it’ll be good for her to get out. Jireh loves him anyway so I dragged myself out, for Jireh.

Two hours later, Jireh is sleeping happily after visiting her friend. I am pleased about that, as well as for generating this blog entry. But the depression continues, and I believe it will for awhile. This latest blow is a big one.

A final thought: people can say they will be your friend forever, or they will always be there for you… don’t believe it. No one can make a promise like that. Circumstances change, people move on, life happens. It sucks. And what sucks even more is it impacts all of your other relationships when you lose one. My friend today assured me he isn’t going anywhere. I no longer believe him.