Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Drugs... Pt. 2

I need to quit watching the Whitney Houston coverage. So tired of people tying up deaths with the bow of 'drugs'! I am on four different drugs, maybe going to five when the doctor puts me back on Adderall. It's chemical imbalance, people! A year ago today I was in a mental hospital for going off all my meds (per advice of my mom), thus was suicidal and having homicidal thoughts. Some of us need meds!

The media is now blaming Whitney's bodyguard for allowing Whitney to be alone in the bathroom so long. I get so irate because I know how it is to be on the other side (the one who needs meds). Kinda like me getting so mad when people with disabilities are patronized. I think Jen is right with Whitney -Jen thinks her body just gave out from previous illegal drug use... maybe her heart was too weak. People are making a big deal that she was on anxiety meds... I'd like to see THEM live her life - paparazzi, crazed fans, pressure to perform, etc... without taking anything. And so she was sweating when she left a nightclub... WHO DOESN'T sweat after dancing??? Just stupid, ignorant people...

I know some, okay... A LOT of people abuse drugs, just as people abuse alcohol, food, ANYTHING. People seemed surprised a couple weeks ago when I was drinking at a party. I see nothing wrong with drinking every now and then...  and this was a major sin with my Southern Baptist upbringing. If I never had another drink, I wouldn't be upset. Maybe that is how one tells whether they have an addiction. 

To end on a funny note, when I was leaving for the party, I texted Rob..."I am going out drinking. If I get smashed, I'm calling you to come get me. So  if I call you talking normal, you will know I am drunk." I crack myself up.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Whitney Houston Poem

Whitney Houston died, was it suicide?
Or an innocent use of drugs?
Does it matter what it was?
A legend has passed away...
Such a sad, sorrowful day.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


I feel a great blog coming on... until then, here are some of my feelings shared on Facebook:
Someone was bashing Whitney Houston, saying she shouldn't be a hero because of her drug problem:

The fact that she continued to fight her addictions make her heroic to me. Hurting people turn to drugs, then they have a whole new "hurt".

*Then some comic relief*-
I was venting to Jennifer, how I get so sick of people focusing on drug abuse (Whitney Houston) making the person seem horrible because they used drugs...
Me- Drugs are bad, but sometimes people turn to drugs because they are in so much pain...
Jen- I agree. Are people saying she died from drugs?
I started yelling at Jireh for chewing on bedding- "Don't do that!!!!"
Jen yelled at me-"I'm only asking a question!!! Don't yell ay me!"
I yelled back- "I'm yelling at Jireh, not you!"
We both cracked up.

Sorry, I thought you were saying if someone was a drug addict, they can't be admired. First, just because someone uses drugs, they doesn't mean they're an addict. Second, Whitney may have had "public actions to discredit her", but was she under the influence of drugs? Come to my house at 9pm, and my actions will discredit me after I've taken my anxiety medication. Give me a week WITHOUT medication and my actions will discredit me as I will be irritable, aggressive, and volatile. I respect your opinion, yet I see it this way - some people cope with pain by eating, thus, become overweight. I know drugs are much more serious and am not promoting drug abuse at all. But I don't look down on heavy people because food is their coping mechanism, and I DEFINITELY wouldn't define THE ENTIRE PERSON by one quality.

***More to come...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

God's Gifts

The discussion of freewill offerings is being covered in one of my Bible Studies. I don't have much to give God... rather, I have nothing to give Him because everything in my possession belongs to Him. The gifts He gives are to be used to share with others, freely, without obligation or guilt. 

For me, I don't think it's obligation that prompts me to give. More out of gratitude and love for Jesus. First, I aspire to be like Jesus. Jesus gave and loved. I desire to do the same. Second, I want people to see Jesus in me - I've had so many good people pour into my life out of their love for Christ, I want to do the same for others. And finally, God gives to us so we give to others. He blesses others through our gifts. 

My writing is definitely a gift from God that, shamefully, I don't share as I should. Recently, I realized I have a fear of success or fear I will be told writing isn't as good as I think. I'm also realizing my writing is not "my writing", but God's writing. 

Who am I to doubt the quality of God's gift? Since when did I allow man's opinion dictate how I use God's gift? And what happen to faith?

I'll keep pondering, and write any revelations. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Anxiety, Crohns and Flashbacks

There was an ambulance and firetruck at the building next door last night. Have major anxiety. Causing Crohns attacks. Not sure I'll make it to church. Can't convince myself my mom and former "friends" have stopped trying to send me away. Scared. Staying close to the bathroom, under my covers with Addy and Jireh. Meditating on Psalm 91. God is my protector.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Life seems to be changing rapidly... and I love it. God is blessing me abundantly. He is showing me a glimpse of how my walk can be... if I trust Him. If I am patient. If I obey. If I love. If I surrender.

Am I willing to hold out for His best? As I told Jen this morning (after confessing a stronghold), "I am too spiritually mature to be playing these games!"

I don't want to settle, by rushing Your plan.
Please help me desire only what's in Your hand.
Dear Jesus, forgive me for abusing Your grace.
Hold me, yes keep me.,, Until I see Your face.