Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Rebel Flag

Me versus my relatives and childhood friends- this flag thing will be something we agree to disagree about. We all grew up with Rebel flags. I just have 2 things to say. 1. Jesus said if something like food causes others to stumble, don't eat it. 2. Symbolism. - a cross means different things to different people. Atheist wear crosses because they mean something different to them 3.*I'm adding one. If you judge someone by skin color, I am now retarded to you. You can't generalize and group people.

 It's not even worth getting upset about. Believe what you want. Live like you want. Value and judge what you want. We live in a fallen world.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

What Truly Matters

Forcing myself to sit and write without any set agenda except to write. My purpose is to write. I am a writer. I am writing.

"Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to this world, do you submit to its rules: Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch"?  - Colossians 2:20,21.

Life changes when you become a Christian. Since college, on my day planner, I daily write "WHAT TRULY MATTERS?" as a reminder life is precious. I'm especially realizing this as I reread my old journals and find I recorded stupid stuff like what my crush wore to school each day. Or some kid laughed when I fell. Thirty years later, who cares? What will happen today that seems so devastating to you, yet in 6 months, you won't even remember it? Do you watch the latest episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Or do you make a handmade card for your dear friend with cancer? Do you stay in bed, wallowing in bitterness? Or do you force yourself to write articles on ways God has blessed you?

What truly matters? Live on purpose. Find your passions and live them.

How do you want to be remembered? Let me share my list with you:
* Jesus is real to me. I feel Him in my presence. I have never questioned His existence. I believe all the hardships that happen in my life are signs He believes I will always follow Him. For those familiar with Job, I believe God has given Satan permission to "mess with me" because God knows I am strong enough in my faith that I can face anything with Christ. I hope I am not letting Him down.
* I am a fighter. Yes, I have multiple limitations which hem me in, but I believe many of them are to keep me from temptation. When I was homeless, if I didn't have cerebral palsy, who knows what I would have done for money. But because I see CP as a strike against men's attractions to me, certain options are off the table. AT THE SAME TIME, God showed me I don't give myself enough credit when I refused to sell myself to have heat and a safe place to live. God instilled morals in me.
* I also want to be remembered as a someone who never took people's kindness for granted. So many people have helped me, loved me, kept me going on when they didn't have to. I always pray God will bless them beyond belief since I have no way to express my gratitude.
* And I want to be seen as someone who, while she needed a little help, she did all she could to make her own way without taking handouts. God has given me so many gifts to use to bless others, and I want to do just that.
*Finally, I want to be remembered as a writer - recluse who loves the ocean, away from crowds and worldly distractions. This, I admit, can be for selfish reasons. I'm an advocate to the core, and when I see people being unfairly treated, I have difficulty balancing my role without personalize the circumstances. Then that steals my peace and interferes greatly with my health.

That is my list to guide me in my day to day activities. I don't do things as the world does. I don't float passively in the lazy river of society. I have died to the flesh and live for Christ.

Remember that.

Friday, June 19, 2015


Some stole the last 2 years' registration stickers off my car tags. I called the tag office to tell them I mailed in a replacement form 2 weeks ago and never received a replacement. The lady said, “Why can't you just come in and get one?".

She really didn't want to know the answer to that. I told her "thank you" and left it at that.

I am not exaggerating when I say leaving my safe apartment freaks me out like I'm going out into war and someone is going to attack me from behind bushes. Agoraphobia rules my life. Sometimes I have PTSD, Crohns, and depression in addition to the Agoraphobia! I have bowel incontinence weekly. Sounds miserable, doesn't it?

It's not as long as I can stay home and read and write all day. I'm very happy - the happiest I've ever been!
But traumatic events have taught me your closest friends and family can betray you...seriously leaving you homeless and alone.

Since my incident, I have moved to my favorite city, joined a extraordinary new church, met some awesome people in a writer's group and am establishing a couple great friendships. I write from home and do my best to keep to myself. I'm much, much better.

I spend hours upon hours reading my Bible, which gives me great comfort. God provides peace beyond understanding... especially within my locked apartment.

Leaving home is when I have major health issues. It takes everything I have to walk out my door.

So this morning is a major frustration. I went to the office only to be told I needed to file a police report. No sticker. I left my home for nothing. Now, I'm worried about driving out of town in a few weeks without a current registration sticker on my car for fear a cop will pull me over. Knowing me, I'll forget I have no registration ticket and have a panic attack when I see the flashing blue lights behind me.

Welcome to agoraphobia.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Word Count

I rock.

Fifteen words until I meet my goal,
Gotta draw within and take control.
I'm a writer, so I must write.
Generate words day and night.
Put on to paper what I think and feel.
Leave a legacy, make dreams real.
It's okay to be a loner, even a bit crazy.
But I'm not a quitter, and I'm sure not lazy.
The world will be better because of books I write,
There...I met my word count tonight.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Unconditional Love

They need me. Giving up is not an option. Fighting for them is all I can do energy wise. When I cannot take care of myself, I must relentlessly take care of Addy and Jireh. Though I feel unbearable weight crushing my entire being, I must take care of them. I cannot let them down. They love me, trust me, enjoy me. I don't get a day off from being their mom. I am literally always there for them - in sickness and health. Their's and mine. Never will I leave them. Never will I allow anyone to hurt them. You have to go through me to get to them. Hurting them with a vaccination - I know is for their good. I will allow that. Fencing them from a viscous enemy, I will "hem them in" for their protection. I will prevent them from eating poisonous foods, no matter how tempted they are to follow their desire to taste. Despite their curiosity, I will not let them wander out of my sight because I know the evil and harm that is out there. They can get angry at my restrictions. They can try to test my resolve. But they will not win, because I am their mother who would do anything for their well-being. I want only the best for them.

With me, they will never hunger.
With me, they will never be homeless.
With me, they will always be protected.
With me, they will always be loved.

They are my children.

We are God's children. Imagine how He cares for us.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Current Issues

You know, sometimes you have to let go of people who do nothing but bring you down. Sometimes we need to reevaluate our lives and take inventory of things that bring us down. Like protecting children from adult issues, we need to protect ourselves from triggers. People can tell us infinitely where there are negative influences in our lives and we often shrug then off, believing they are overreacting, when in reality, the triggers make us overreact. Get rid of negativity in your life! Fill your heart and mind with joyful, peaceful things.

I woke up this morning, made the mistake of watching the news and reading Facebook before having quiet time with Jesus. BIG MISTAKE.

Instead of praising Jesus and glorifying Him, I'm having chest pain after the following comments... God needs to come first... all the time.

I'm going there. A relative and I are fighting again because she belittles me for not being racist. I told her. "If you're gonna judge someone by the color of the skin because of the race's majority, you need to consider me mentally retarded because most people with cerebral palsy are mentally retarded!" She no longer is speaking to me.

I cannot count the number of people who tell me stop talking to my family. I think it's time I listen before I have another nervous breakdown.  Talking to her gives me chest pains.

I knew I shouldn't have watched the Duggar interview. I need to get rid of my TV. Changed my whole mood. The dad said they didn't feel the need to report it because parents aren't "mandatory reporters". Let me in a room with those parents for 15 minutes! The boy told the dad THREE times he did this. He knew it was wrong and wanted help.

What if the dad is a pedophile? Of course they wouldn't report it if an uncle or someone molested the boy!


Breathe. Think dolphins and whales and the ocean. I don't know how people have kids. I really dont. If someone hurt Jireh or Addy... I would be in jail. I know that.

God did not create Bruce Jenner to be a woman. Society and sin is what messes people up! Sin is the result of free will. As far as judging, I haven't gotten that far yet. I'm responding to someone saying God made Bruce have an identity disorder. Bullcrap.

Isn't Christianity based on love and acceptance?" Yes, and grace and forgiveness. This isn't about hate. This is about accountability. If I disrespect a cop, I deserve to be held accountable for the sake of civility and righteousness.

I'm done. No more rants. All I know is Jesus needs to come back soon.
I'm gonna have a stroke if I don't calm down.

Maybe Facebook is no longer for me. I truly think I need to make some major changes in my life.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Draft Mumbo Jumbo

Just going to start writing words on paper, resisting my desire to stay in bed.

Don't know if I can handle that counseling job and I want it so bad. It's mine if I want it. I am sick of agoraphobia and feel God is giving me my life back but I'm so scared. Like Jesus said to the cripple man, "DO you want to get well?" I do!

Triggers and agoraphobia are controlling me so I got out my journal and brainstormed affirmative statements. Living with agoraphobia, anxiety and PTSD is no way to live. I want to live abundantly and joyfully,  reaching my full potential. Helping others, making the world a better place, giving back in ways people have given me.  Agoraphobia has to leave. It's hindering my dreams and limiting my aspirations. I want more. I'm not done living. There is still so much I want to do... the past has to get out of the way of my future.