Growth Hurts

Just like that, Crohn's and depression is back. I realize growing hurts. Growing sucks. Growing is good, except for the goodbyes. And we must say goodbye to grow, and make room for new friends. No one is at fault. We may walk together our entire lives, and suddenly, there's a fork in the road. Do you stay loyal to the person who has been by your side, who knows the girl you have been and treats you accordingly? Or do you stay loyal to yourself, making friends who treat you as the person you are growing to be?

I have to stay loyal to me. I will never forget the memories of the past. I also will not force a friendship on those who censor their traumatic experiences from me for fear they will trigger me. And ESPECIALLY when they lie and tell me they are fine, no, GOOD, after a terrible loss has happened. To me, THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A BURDEN WHEN YOU HAVE TO MASK YOUR FEELINGS.

I will not be a burden. I'm taking the road less traveled, the road of authenticity.

And the Blessings Keep Coming

And the Blessings Keep Coming...

My rent goes up next month, so a couple months ago, I thought I would have to move to a cheaper place. Not having the money for initial costs of deposits and such, in addition to loving where I live... the situation seemed hopeless. Since then, God has taught me to EXPECT (not HOPE) He will answer my prayers. I learned being obedient, walking according to His leading, and ASKING were components lacking in my life.

A couple weeks ago, I checked my bank balance to see if I had money for a McDonald's value meal. There was an extra $156 in my account from Social Security! It seems I have been deemed "medically needy", and no longer have Medicare expenses taken from my check. This more than covers my increase in rent!!!!

God then showed me how having $5 value meals in lieu of groceries was NOT good stewardship. So I started ordering cereal, coffee, peanut butter, kitty litter, toilet paper etc. off Amazon where they are a minimum of 50% cheaper if you can find them as "add on items". I also order protein shake powder and mix it with water to get the proper nutrition. My diet and spending significantly changed for the better ACCORDING TO GOD'S WILL, NOT MY WILL.

My favorite band, Def Leppard, started selling concert tickets the day I got my SSDI. I had assumed this must be a sign that God wanted me to make a financial exception and put tickets on my emergency credit card. I mean, it's DEF LEPPARD! Sure, I have seen them 6 times before, but IT'S MY FAVORITE BAND SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

Well, the day came when tickets went on sale. On the way to buy Jireh's monthly medication, I get a text on my phone saying tickets JUST went on sale. So I made a mental note to order the ticket right after running errands.

Then the vet told me Jireh's check up is in a month. (Since she's a service dog, I only pay for medication, including shots.) That will be an additional expense. I don't even want to consider 'what if something is wrong with her'. Then, a close friend lost 'their' job and we share a phone plan, so I have to cover the entire $210 phone bill. (We both have payment plans for our phones, making the bill high).

No Def Leppard tickets. I even cancelled my monthly order for the diffuser oil that helps with migraines, C.P., anxiety and PTSD.

I kept telling God to tell me what to do, especially financially, and I will do it because I EXPECT HIM TO BE JEHOVAH  JIREH - My Provider.

I called At&T to get on the lowest data plan possible, and was switched to another department where the representative said when people call to cancel their accounts, At&t offers them $30 off their monthly bill to stay. Since I have been such a loyal customer, they wanted to keep me on my plan at a $30 cheaper rate!!  I couldn't believe it!!! Praise God!

Then, this morning, I went to buy milk for my cereal. Starbucks was right next door. I haven't been to Starbucks in what seems like an eternity. Paying $5 for a cup of coffee is no longer in my budget. I wanted a Butterscotch Latte so bad. I asked God, okay, TOLD God... just one Butterscotch Latte... please?

I didn't get a solid answer. My car headed towards Starbucks. I felt like I was about to get into mischief, thinking, "this is wrong, this is wrong...", when I pulled up to pay for my latte, the cashier told me the lady before me paid for my order!!!!

No words, except HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!

Growing Deeper

I always see posts about reaching out for help if you are suicidal, or write "done" if you read this... and my favorite "say Amen if you believe in God". If only things were that simple.

If we are too busy to read the Bible daily, we are too busy for a relationship with Jesus. That was Charles Stanley's message this morning. He addressed loneliness and said if you have the Holy Spirit indwelt in you, you need to reach out to Him when you are lonely. I never feel lonely when I stay inside and off of social media because I enjoy the presence of Jesus. I don't question why God is allowing bad things to happen because the world doesn't revolve around me. The Old Testament is full of examples where the Lord told Israelites their disobedience will impact future generations. A perfect example is when God said women will always have painful childbirth became Eve disobeyed. And because we cannot live perfect, sinless lives, Jesus had to pay the ultimate sacrifice as the only sinless man. If we refuse to accept Jesus as Savior, we will not be filled with the Holy Spirit, our sins will not be forgiven, and we will not live eternally with Christ.

The past few days have shown me how much I have grown. The friends I have had for most of my life are not use to who I am now. When we change, sometimes our family/friends fight our growth, and if we are not careful, they will pull us back to the victim role.

I am no longer a victim. I have fought with God's strength to better myself. I am neither WHO I use to be, nor WHERE I use to be. Sadly, I have outgrown friends I had in my sickness. That is why I never married - I intend to keep growing, and will not be held back by those who do not grow with me.

Words mean little to me now. "I will pray for you" or "read" isn't enough anymore. Neither are good intentions. When a potted plant grows, it must be planted in deeper soil to spread its roots. Otherwise, it will be stunted.

It's time for me to be planted in deeper soil.

Poem- He Stays

Forgive me, Lord, I wander.
So often, Lord, I stray.
You’ll keep me safe and filled with PEACE,
When near You, I do stay.
One thing I do know,
Each second, every day.
You’re always there waiting,
You never walk away.

God is So Good

God is sooo good. This has been such a bad day... I got mail with a Palm Tree necklace from my sweet sister friend (Palm Trees have been God's way of telling me He is thinking of me in a divine moment. I will have to blog about that.). Then, I told my Dad on his death bed to send me the sight of a boat when he wanted me to know he is with me. Today, I received the most beautiful card of the ocean with boats in the background.

My day immediately turned fabulous. People who don't have an intimate relationship with Christ do not understand. He is very present in my life. And when I focus on His presence rather than the world... I have no need for socializing, for Christ fills my cup.

Returning After Hiatus

God is sooo good. This has been such a bad day... I got mail with a Palm Tree necklace from my sweet sister friend (Palm Trees have been God's way of telling me He is thinking of me in a divine moment. I will have to blog about that.). Then, I told my Dad on his death bed to send me the sight of a boat when he wanted me to know he is with me. Today, I received the most beautiful card of the ocean with boats in the background.

My day immediately turned fabulous. People who don't have an intimate relationship with Christ do not understand. He is very present in my life. And when I focus on His presence rather than the world... I have no need for socializing, for Christ fills my cup.